this has been my attempt at life for 2010... i treaded carefully most of the time but there have been instances when i just rushed through it head on...i fell in love, or so that's what i think, got broken, tried to to fix the pieces, felt recuperated, moved on, wallowed a bit and inevitably had to continue...albeit some backward glances perhaps with wishful thoughts of what could have been or what still may be. i lived, in short, and i'm gonna keep doing so.
raise your glasses for life and its beauty...for the universe and how it is really the master puppeteer...for pain and how it highlights the littlest things that we take for granted...for joy and how silly it is to try to analyze it..for love, whatever it means...
for a year that has passed, for the family that honed us, for the new people who helped us know ourselves better, for the experiences that polished what's real precious in us, for what we are and hope to be, for the core of our being trying to peek through the walls we built,for the art that we love yet somehow deny, for the circumstances that tested us, for the opportunities we lost,for the dreams that we only begun to strive for, there is a lot to be thankful for...and now there's a lot to look forward to and live for.
and for the year to come, for what we still don't know, for what we may still be afraid to find out, for fear itself, for life and it's uncertainty...we will push through...head on, or on tiptoes...for life is always good...and we'll take what it gives us...and we'll be fine...
cheers...
Friday, December 31, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
9:05 am
"What time is your flight?" I asked, not sure if I'd get a reply. Not really wanting to know because that would confirm my fear of you leaving for sure.
Earlier in the day, you had an appointment, an interview for a post. You called during lunch time, asking if it was worth it, if you should take the job.You obviously had apprehensions about the eagerness of the interviewer and how the whole process can work out a pass for you before your current one expires. I had doubts because they were asking you to shell out cash when they were the ones who were hiring you in the first place. Still, you wanted to think it over first and though I thought you already decided to forgo the opportunity, I somehow wished you changed your mind.
9:05 am you said was your flight. You'd be at the airport at 7 am. Terminal 2. "Are you going to see me off?", you asked. Though I already figured you were not staying, I still cannot get over the feeling of one's tiny trepidations coming to life. That's really how it felt. I was probably expecting you to say you extended your stay. It's like knowing the water is cold and getting drenched in the rain on a cold December night just to get a first hand feel of it. "I'm not good with goodbyes", I said. Just like you said in another conversation we had. Yet in fact the airport was just too far and that I was already drunk and I knew I could not wake up early. But I wanted to. If it means having to see you again one more time.
I came back home at around 230 am. I wanted to call you. But reason got the better of me. I thought you were already asleep because that's what people should be doing at 230 am, and that you actually needed to rest for your flight today, and I really had nothing to say. Because I've already said what I needed to say. I've already said I was grateful to you for reigniting my passion for reading. I've already said how much I would have liked our conversations to never end. How I very much like to never stop seeing you. Words. Mighty heavy hefty words. It's what connects people in some ways. It's definitely what connects us.
So there,I guess my brief affair with books and decent talks about films and dogs and family ends. You were coming back in January you said. It's only a month's time. But we will never know. It may not be the same then. You may change. Or I may. Nothing is set in stone after all. Yet instead of reveling on the future's uncertainty,since I already share a common sunset on a lake with you, topped by silly songs blurted out of nowhere, I choose to wallow on the simple and unpretentious memories we share. I may never pass by the lake without thinking of you. And how you would say that the colors of the sunset is what makes it beautiful, but I would still be convinced that the sunset's true beauty is actually its transience. It's transience which is now you and I.
There'd be a load of memories to go by. At least for a while, a little while longer. Until the 9:05 am flight takes even that away too.
Earlier in the day, you had an appointment, an interview for a post. You called during lunch time, asking if it was worth it, if you should take the job.You obviously had apprehensions about the eagerness of the interviewer and how the whole process can work out a pass for you before your current one expires. I had doubts because they were asking you to shell out cash when they were the ones who were hiring you in the first place. Still, you wanted to think it over first and though I thought you already decided to forgo the opportunity, I somehow wished you changed your mind.
9:05 am you said was your flight. You'd be at the airport at 7 am. Terminal 2. "Are you going to see me off?", you asked. Though I already figured you were not staying, I still cannot get over the feeling of one's tiny trepidations coming to life. That's really how it felt. I was probably expecting you to say you extended your stay. It's like knowing the water is cold and getting drenched in the rain on a cold December night just to get a first hand feel of it. "I'm not good with goodbyes", I said. Just like you said in another conversation we had. Yet in fact the airport was just too far and that I was already drunk and I knew I could not wake up early. But I wanted to. If it means having to see you again one more time.
I came back home at around 230 am. I wanted to call you. But reason got the better of me. I thought you were already asleep because that's what people should be doing at 230 am, and that you actually needed to rest for your flight today, and I really had nothing to say. Because I've already said what I needed to say. I've already said I was grateful to you for reigniting my passion for reading. I've already said how much I would have liked our conversations to never end. How I very much like to never stop seeing you. Words. Mighty heavy hefty words. It's what connects people in some ways. It's definitely what connects us.
So there,I guess my brief affair with books and decent talks about films and dogs and family ends. You were coming back in January you said. It's only a month's time. But we will never know. It may not be the same then. You may change. Or I may. Nothing is set in stone after all. Yet instead of reveling on the future's uncertainty,since I already share a common sunset on a lake with you, topped by silly songs blurted out of nowhere, I choose to wallow on the simple and unpretentious memories we share. I may never pass by the lake without thinking of you. And how you would say that the colors of the sunset is what makes it beautiful, but I would still be convinced that the sunset's true beauty is actually its transience. It's transience which is now you and I.
There'd be a load of memories to go by. At least for a while, a little while longer. Until the 9:05 am flight takes even that away too.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
running a marathon...
No, I didn't run a marathon. I didn't yet and probably never will. Yet somehow I find myself thinking "How exactly does it feel to accomplish a seemingly Herculean feat?"
Last Sunday, I watched and supported my sister while she ran her 10 km race. Her boyfriend, Kuya Bang Bang ran the Marathon. I supported him too.
My initial take on running is that it is a total waste of time. So one can only imagine my stance on a 10 km race, and let alone a 42 km run. I'm sure people have their own reasons for taking this sport. I know some who run to keep in shape. They would argue its health benefits. Some run to pass time. This is only understandable when you are living in Singapore where there is nothing much to do but work and shop.
I do not know what is the motivating factor of Kuya especially given the fact that he has already run a marathon once 2 years ago. I've heard a saying that it was wise to climb a certain mountain once and yet it was foolish to do it twice. Except probably for athletes who do it for a living, I could not comprehend why people run marathons.
And then on Sunday I saw them. More than 60,000 people at 3 separate starting points to run their respective races. There was the 10 km race, half marathon and full marathon. We sent off Kuya first. His race started at 5 am. Then I sent off my sister at 7:30 am. That was a two and a half hour interval, and yet before her race started, the elite runners of the marathon were already crossing the finish line! Yes, I didn't know it at that time. I was snapping away photos of those who were running about, thinking it was like the halfway mark. Then I realized it was only around 500 meters from the finish line!
Yes, I took their photos. I think I actually took some good ones. Imagine having run more than 41 kilometers, and you're trying to catch your breath, and you are sore all over and I catch your moment of pain and freeze it for eternity, immortalizing a part of your life in frame.
I was happy and oblivious to the world, only minding my snaps when I realized it was already time for my sister to finish her race. You can get mad at the chaos that was called the finish line. There was the swarm of runners and there was the throng of supporters as well. I was very lucky to see her through the crowd and take her photo. She never saw me so hers was a candid shot.
Kuya on the other hand has always been one to put on a show. It was also by sheer luck that I saw him coming. The moment he recognized me on the sideline, he put on his theatrics. Yes, he was quite a scene, by himself, to behold. Usually, I am put off by the slightest form of showmanship. Yet this one I kind of support and even applaud. It is kind of deserved and I was actually really proud of him.
For whatever reason one has to subject his body to utter torture, I could only guess. The glow in their eyes though, after they cross the finish line cannot be missed. It shines through the exhaustion and fatigue they must be suffering. And at that point in time, when the usual unbearable stench of human sweat becomes too overwhelming, one cannot ignore the sweet smell of victory. It may be one of the reasons people still run marathons. It may be the only reason I would even dare to contemplate doing it myself. Just to be able to say, probably before I die, that yes, I run a marathon, and lived through it. Even if there is a chance Kuya Bang Bang would probably belittle the act and brag that he has done it twice.
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Sayin no...
Today I was presented with an opportunity to be an agent of good karma. A colleague needed a favor, he needed to change schedule with me to suit his timetable for next month's leave. It is quite a task to schedule vacation leaves in the office as they are decided by a raffle draw. On top of that, the days off are never the same each week. We are given a roster every month, our schedule, time in and off day.
Apparently, my off day on the second week of January is all that my colleague needs to be able to go back home to our country. Yes, he's my compatriot from The Philippines. And if you have ever been out of your own country, you tend to feel for people who have the slightest connection to you, like sharing the same country. You tend to relate to them, as if you are family.
So it came as a surprise that I actually refused the swap. Not without a heavy heart, but I still refused. My remorse doesn't clear my conscience, I'm still bothered. I know that someday, I may be the one in need and the roles might be reversed. I don't know what the deciding factor was, probably the idea of working 6 days straight, or the fact that I'd be losing a long weekend.Whatever it was, it does not change the fact that I could have made one person happy. I did not. I do not know how i can look him in the eye when we pass each other by the corridor. He did say it was ok though, yet still the guilt I am feeling right now warranted a post.
I should say no more often. So I can get used to letting people down.
Apparently, my off day on the second week of January is all that my colleague needs to be able to go back home to our country. Yes, he's my compatriot from The Philippines. And if you have ever been out of your own country, you tend to feel for people who have the slightest connection to you, like sharing the same country. You tend to relate to them, as if you are family.
So it came as a surprise that I actually refused the swap. Not without a heavy heart, but I still refused. My remorse doesn't clear my conscience, I'm still bothered. I know that someday, I may be the one in need and the roles might be reversed. I don't know what the deciding factor was, probably the idea of working 6 days straight, or the fact that I'd be losing a long weekend.Whatever it was, it does not change the fact that I could have made one person happy. I did not. I do not know how i can look him in the eye when we pass each other by the corridor. He did say it was ok though, yet still the guilt I am feeling right now warranted a post.
I should say no more often. So I can get used to letting people down.
is it a crime?
As a graduate of the the University of the Philippines, the premier state of university of my country, much is expected of me, I guess. My college education was in part subsidized by the government making my tuition fee a lot cheaper compared to other schools without compromising the quality of learning. Or so they say. And in return, there is this notion that all graduates of the school should return the favor by serving the country and the people in the Philippines.
I saw a tv documentary recently about my alma mater celebrating its centennial anniversary this year. It brought back loads of memories, the nostalgia was overwhelming for sometime.
Then Jessica Soho said something about the students and graduates of the University losing the fervor to serve the country. We, including herself, are missing the point of being called scholars of the land. Her implied premise was that even graduates of the state university are leaving the country to work abroad.
I do not contest the idea that we should all be responsible for the development of our nation. I do not deny the fact that we all need to do our part in making sure that the country progresses and moves forward. I do not think it is exclusive to UP students though. But that's beside the point.
What ticked me off is the presumed idea that every graduate of UP will be staying in the country to do his share to pay off his debt of gratitude for the college education.
i want what is good for my country. i want something better for myself...that way i can do my country something good.
I saw a tv documentary recently about my alma mater celebrating its centennial anniversary this year. It brought back loads of memories, the nostalgia was overwhelming for sometime.
Then Jessica Soho said something about the students and graduates of the University losing the fervor to serve the country. We, including herself, are missing the point of being called scholars of the land. Her implied premise was that even graduates of the state university are leaving the country to work abroad.
I do not contest the idea that we should all be responsible for the development of our nation. I do not deny the fact that we all need to do our part in making sure that the country progresses and moves forward. I do not think it is exclusive to UP students though. But that's beside the point.
What ticked me off is the presumed idea that every graduate of UP will be staying in the country to do his share to pay off his debt of gratitude for the college education.
i want what is good for my country. i want something better for myself...that way i can do my country something good.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
smitten...
i'm just simply smitten...by you...i mean your photo...how is it even possible? i haven't met you yet...i know we've been exchanging thoughts for over a year now...on and off...you were quite clear that you are not into anything serious...i didn't think you were my type...
you were vivid on your criteria...you said "speak proper english, turn me on"... i thought you were too young, and still very idealistic...still had high expectations. but in reality, you already impressed me. at 22, and you already knew what you wanted...at least in people you'd like to deal with, that is. i took a chance...coz i knew i can speak proper if not superb english...alright, i spoke fairly well then...and you were kind...i only asked because i thought no one here actually did speak proper english, and so how can a local be asking for something that was endemically lacking? i was wrong. you had it in you. and it was only right to ask what one thinks is due.
time passed...i changed profile several times. forgot several people, even those that were intimate for awhile...you were only another profile in cyberspace who happen to be impressive with your vocab and grammar...and photos in sepia and black and white...photos that don't reveal much except for a well contoured jawline...yet you have always been there, in the corner of mind, when everything else is dull and uninteresting, i'd type your name...and pop a stupid question...and sometimes you'd reply...and we go on...
we continue trading stories...i learned from you about your planned trip to India...i said be safe and i'll probably meet you on Christmas when Santa delivers you over as my gift...you were there for over a month, and you were hardly online, which wasn't a bother, since it didnt make any difference at all...
then everything was dull and uninteresting again recently...so your name was typed again...and stupid questions came a flying...and as fate would have it, you respond...with a little bit more interest this time...or so i think...you say you still have a hangover for a fling you met in the subcontinent. maybe that's what happened...maybe you fell in love...and it somehow made you age a little...it's all good for me though...coz with it came a renewed enthusiasm about life...and chances...
you opened up...and said you were actually going to consider...i told you how amazing it would be...and you asked for a photo...good thing i've been through a number of failed attempts that another one wouldn't hurt...off the photo went,with a request for yours too...and you obliged. God it was gorgeous...piercing round eyes...thin lips...you made my heart skip a beat...i still find myself staring at it from time to time...
yes...i am smitten...and i don't even know your name.
you were vivid on your criteria...you said "speak proper english, turn me on"... i thought you were too young, and still very idealistic...still had high expectations. but in reality, you already impressed me. at 22, and you already knew what you wanted...at least in people you'd like to deal with, that is. i took a chance...coz i knew i can speak proper if not superb english...alright, i spoke fairly well then...and you were kind...i only asked because i thought no one here actually did speak proper english, and so how can a local be asking for something that was endemically lacking? i was wrong. you had it in you. and it was only right to ask what one thinks is due.
time passed...i changed profile several times. forgot several people, even those that were intimate for awhile...you were only another profile in cyberspace who happen to be impressive with your vocab and grammar...and photos in sepia and black and white...photos that don't reveal much except for a well contoured jawline...yet you have always been there, in the corner of mind, when everything else is dull and uninteresting, i'd type your name...and pop a stupid question...and sometimes you'd reply...and we go on...
we continue trading stories...i learned from you about your planned trip to India...i said be safe and i'll probably meet you on Christmas when Santa delivers you over as my gift...you were there for over a month, and you were hardly online, which wasn't a bother, since it didnt make any difference at all...
then everything was dull and uninteresting again recently...so your name was typed again...and stupid questions came a flying...and as fate would have it, you respond...with a little bit more interest this time...or so i think...you say you still have a hangover for a fling you met in the subcontinent. maybe that's what happened...maybe you fell in love...and it somehow made you age a little...it's all good for me though...coz with it came a renewed enthusiasm about life...and chances...
you opened up...and said you were actually going to consider...i told you how amazing it would be...and you asked for a photo...good thing i've been through a number of failed attempts that another one wouldn't hurt...off the photo went,with a request for yours too...and you obliged. God it was gorgeous...piercing round eyes...thin lips...you made my heart skip a beat...i still find myself staring at it from time to time...
yes...i am smitten...and i don't even know your name.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
and the well runs dry...i think
more than logic or reason, it's simply exhaustion. there are very few things in my life that i've decided to pursue. not my scholarly dreams, nor my premature infatuation, not a dream career or even a retirement plan. but a couple of months back, i've decided to pursue you.
it was not an educated decision, or a well thought-of action on my part. it was a gut feel; instinct. i just wanted to. so i did. inspite of my self, of a reputable degree, of a loving home, i decided to take a chance. coz i didnt think i got anything to lose.
in all my conscious existence, i never felt i lost as much of myself when i took a chance on you. i lost my self esteem, i degraded my self confidence and when i decided to go against my own reasoning, when i decided to take a leap of faith, i didnt think it'll actually cost me a big chunk of self respect. yes, all for you.
now, my engine's running low on gas. the adrenline is finally subsiding, im seeing things more clearly, more candidly. im beginning to accept reality. i can be more honest now. and i havent even started to argue yet. not against reason nor logic, it's not even worth it. i just run out of juice, and you simply got a bit too dull to be interesting. i think.
it was not an educated decision, or a well thought-of action on my part. it was a gut feel; instinct. i just wanted to. so i did. inspite of my self, of a reputable degree, of a loving home, i decided to take a chance. coz i didnt think i got anything to lose.
in all my conscious existence, i never felt i lost as much of myself when i took a chance on you. i lost my self esteem, i degraded my self confidence and when i decided to go against my own reasoning, when i decided to take a leap of faith, i didnt think it'll actually cost me a big chunk of self respect. yes, all for you.
now, my engine's running low on gas. the adrenline is finally subsiding, im seeing things more clearly, more candidly. im beginning to accept reality. i can be more honest now. and i havent even started to argue yet. not against reason nor logic, it's not even worth it. i just run out of juice, and you simply got a bit too dull to be interesting. i think.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
how does this go...
ok...so seriously...how does this go? i mean, when does one draw the line? when is enough really enough?
it's really my problem...i just don't know when to stop...i don't know how to stop...even if it means baring my soul in the open, subjecting my ego to ridicule and even pouring my heart out...it's definitely not a good thing...i now feel less than what i supposedly am...and it makes me question if it's even still worth it?
i don't have a huge ego...not the boastful braggart type, i actually think i'm on the meek and shy type...and this putting-it-all-out-in-the-open thing is not doing my self confidence any boost at all...before, i'd just say that it doesn't matter, that i just need to put it out of my system, less i implode...but now i feel naked, like nothing's left for myself...i feel like i've given it my all and yet it's still not enough...now i feel exhausted...
perhaps, just like the previous entry, i really am trying too hard...maybe it's high time to reevaluate my thoughts, my feelings, and my priorities...
it's really not like i've put myself second on the list...but i sure did include other people too...and i let it affect me...turned out to be very detrimental indeed...
perhaps, its time to start to let go of expectations...perhaps it's time to give up hope...and maybe it'd be good to move on...
so, really...how does this go?
it's really my problem...i just don't know when to stop...i don't know how to stop...even if it means baring my soul in the open, subjecting my ego to ridicule and even pouring my heart out...it's definitely not a good thing...i now feel less than what i supposedly am...and it makes me question if it's even still worth it?
i don't have a huge ego...not the boastful braggart type, i actually think i'm on the meek and shy type...and this putting-it-all-out-in-the-open thing is not doing my self confidence any boost at all...before, i'd just say that it doesn't matter, that i just need to put it out of my system, less i implode...but now i feel naked, like nothing's left for myself...i feel like i've given it my all and yet it's still not enough...now i feel exhausted...
perhaps, just like the previous entry, i really am trying too hard...maybe it's high time to reevaluate my thoughts, my feelings, and my priorities...
it's really not like i've put myself second on the list...but i sure did include other people too...and i let it affect me...turned out to be very detrimental indeed...
perhaps, its time to start to let go of expectations...perhaps it's time to give up hope...and maybe it'd be good to move on...
so, really...how does this go?
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
and it continues
on a continuous spree of conscious wanting, i keep on my subtle attacks to be noticed. it's ridiculous. i've already accepted the fact that we have no chance and yet here i am, actually pounding on the keys for another entry.
this must be one of the things that make life beautiful; to be able to experience pleasure that's forbidden and yet trying for more. ah, the excitement of the chase and the bitterness of defeat...these are the colors that paint my existence to its exuberant glow...i can only wonder how long before i can kiss the lips of sweet success...lol
in my seemingly asinine state, i have mastered the art of putting people off...it's really hilarious how one's actions can actually produce such end results which are exactly the opposite of one's motives! recently, i have consistently excelled in appalling people i would have wanted to be dear with.
it's true. sometimes we say the wrong things at the wrong time to the wrong people...and we expect everything to be alright...now im learning again, that i can really be an intense person, with utter disregard for reason or logic, sometimes i just need to put my point across, without even realizing we might be speaking different languages.
now that i'm sobering down, i think i'm probably just trying too hard anyway.
this must be one of the things that make life beautiful; to be able to experience pleasure that's forbidden and yet trying for more. ah, the excitement of the chase and the bitterness of defeat...these are the colors that paint my existence to its exuberant glow...i can only wonder how long before i can kiss the lips of sweet success...lol
in my seemingly asinine state, i have mastered the art of putting people off...it's really hilarious how one's actions can actually produce such end results which are exactly the opposite of one's motives! recently, i have consistently excelled in appalling people i would have wanted to be dear with.
it's true. sometimes we say the wrong things at the wrong time to the wrong people...and we expect everything to be alright...now im learning again, that i can really be an intense person, with utter disregard for reason or logic, sometimes i just need to put my point across, without even realizing we might be speaking different languages.
now that i'm sobering down, i think i'm probably just trying too hard anyway.
Monday, September 6, 2010
i'm easy...too easy
everyday, we get to know a little bit more about ourselves. what happens though when the knowledge is something which we do not welcome? it maybe something we've been trying to deny, to hide, or to overcome. yet in one way or another, it seems to creep up on us and voila, stares us up straight in the face.
i've always denied that i was an easy fellow in more ways than i'd like to admit. i, like most people, always want to have the easy way, in work, in life, and i don't even wanna say it, yes, in love.
it's scary how easily i'm impressed nowadays. i've always thought i was one of the fastidious few, with high standards, not easily pleased. could it be because i'm nearing the big 30? i seem to get awe-inspired very easily recently. like get me someone who can construct a basic english sentence that is flawless in grammar and ill be near applauding the person right away. if the person actually makes sense with the statements he or she is making, then it'll be a standing ovation from me. and if the subject would in anyway be something dear, then im already swept away.
thus is my current state. give me a nice sincere smile, even if the teeth aint perfect, even if the make could be too thin, even if the place is too far, ill be there.
it's crazy how a meeting at dawn, after getting all boozed up earlier in the night, then getting the invite for a sleepover at 2 in the morning,could send me shivers before i sleep and a smile without reason that cant be helped. my busy dawns are now becoming unhealthy for me. well, they've always been unhealthy anyway.
i know its not meant to be. again im finding myself in a one way street, you just get that feeling, that conscious feeling that youre treading alone sometimes, when the silence gets too deafening, when the battery of the phone seems to diminish sooner because of constant checking of incoming messages when nothing actually arrives, when you actually start feeling low and used,of course with mutual consent hehehe...
so there, i've learned the promise of a one night stand...the funny thing is, i'm actually still hoping it could have a chance...lol
i've always denied that i was an easy fellow in more ways than i'd like to admit. i, like most people, always want to have the easy way, in work, in life, and i don't even wanna say it, yes, in love.
it's scary how easily i'm impressed nowadays. i've always thought i was one of the fastidious few, with high standards, not easily pleased. could it be because i'm nearing the big 30? i seem to get awe-inspired very easily recently. like get me someone who can construct a basic english sentence that is flawless in grammar and ill be near applauding the person right away. if the person actually makes sense with the statements he or she is making, then it'll be a standing ovation from me. and if the subject would in anyway be something dear, then im already swept away.
thus is my current state. give me a nice sincere smile, even if the teeth aint perfect, even if the make could be too thin, even if the place is too far, ill be there.
it's crazy how a meeting at dawn, after getting all boozed up earlier in the night, then getting the invite for a sleepover at 2 in the morning,could send me shivers before i sleep and a smile without reason that cant be helped. my busy dawns are now becoming unhealthy for me. well, they've always been unhealthy anyway.
i know its not meant to be. again im finding myself in a one way street, you just get that feeling, that conscious feeling that youre treading alone sometimes, when the silence gets too deafening, when the battery of the phone seems to diminish sooner because of constant checking of incoming messages when nothing actually arrives, when you actually start feeling low and used,of course with mutual consent hehehe...
so there, i've learned the promise of a one night stand...the funny thing is, i'm actually still hoping it could have a chance...lol
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
same river, different boat...
yes, ive changed job...how do i put it? the bamboo has snapped? given up? been broken?
i never thought this will be coming from my mouth, or maybe it's too early to tell, but i'd say it anyway...these people suck, from whichever way or point of view you look at it...cause i thought they only suck from my previous company's side, that they were so cheap there that they complain about the littlest thing while paying for the cheapest price...apparently, they're really all cheap and they really got nothing better to do but to complain about the most ridiculous things...even in cents worth...
yes, hear it from a customer service personnel...who has to put up with silly demands...yet that's only one aspect of my new stress, i mean new job. i was very optimistic about getting some sort of training as my previous company never gave any...my new one is just as bad as having no training at all...apart from having a seemingly incompetent trainor whose only qualification is having stayed with the company for 30 years, yet having no notion of what real teaching is and that is imparting knowledge the best way possible,you are also expected to know the ropes right there and then, asking the same output as the people who've already been there for a long time. or maybe not but they never told us otherwise too!
maybe i am becoming more like them...having nothing better to do but to complain. the thing is, i know my complain has basis. but then again i'm sure that's what all people who complain think.
i'd like to say things can only get better. unfortunately, i've already said that before. and up to the last moment i was with the ex-company, i never felt that it got better. again i am growing old, as i can feel the light of optimism and positivity getting dimmer. slowly i am accepting facts as i see it and letting go of ideals and wishful thinking...
yet i know my core remains steadfast. i know what i'm made of. i'd probably read this entry in the future and laugh about how i blew out of proportions the silly issues i now have. i am still the bamboo who sways with the wind and bends to its will
no, to say the bambo is broken is definitely untrue...for i know i am still swaying and yet i remain grounded. i just changed vessel...still on the same furious river, of complains and demands, yet i know this is what i do best...and i'll sail on...
i never thought this will be coming from my mouth, or maybe it's too early to tell, but i'd say it anyway...these people suck, from whichever way or point of view you look at it...cause i thought they only suck from my previous company's side, that they were so cheap there that they complain about the littlest thing while paying for the cheapest price...apparently, they're really all cheap and they really got nothing better to do but to complain about the most ridiculous things...even in cents worth...
yes, hear it from a customer service personnel...who has to put up with silly demands...yet that's only one aspect of my new stress, i mean new job. i was very optimistic about getting some sort of training as my previous company never gave any...my new one is just as bad as having no training at all...apart from having a seemingly incompetent trainor whose only qualification is having stayed with the company for 30 years, yet having no notion of what real teaching is and that is imparting knowledge the best way possible,you are also expected to know the ropes right there and then, asking the same output as the people who've already been there for a long time. or maybe not but they never told us otherwise too!
maybe i am becoming more like them...having nothing better to do but to complain. the thing is, i know my complain has basis. but then again i'm sure that's what all people who complain think.
i'd like to say things can only get better. unfortunately, i've already said that before. and up to the last moment i was with the ex-company, i never felt that it got better. again i am growing old, as i can feel the light of optimism and positivity getting dimmer. slowly i am accepting facts as i see it and letting go of ideals and wishful thinking...
yet i know my core remains steadfast. i know what i'm made of. i'd probably read this entry in the future and laugh about how i blew out of proportions the silly issues i now have. i am still the bamboo who sways with the wind and bends to its will
no, to say the bambo is broken is definitely untrue...for i know i am still swaying and yet i remain grounded. i just changed vessel...still on the same furious river, of complains and demands, yet i know this is what i do best...and i'll sail on...
and it pains me...
it happened a while back, say a couple of months ago...i just found myself in a position where i wish i had acted in contrast to what i had actually done...
i had a colleague who was sacked a year ago. for what reason, i could only guess and that's already out of context here. i was a bit closer to her sister since i knew her and worked with her longer. a year or so after she left, i got a missed call on my phone. i called the number back and at first i did not even recognize or know who it was. she was back in singapore and was having trouble with her pass and she was getting frantic as she needed to exit the country for immigration purposes. she was asking for help financially.
i am not a rich person, but neither am i short on cash. for her to think of running to me must have been very difficult for her as we were not that close to each other. it could only be out of desperate need. i said i had nothing to spare.
thinking back, i couldnt help but feel bad about it. firstly, i was actually in a position to help, and i could help if only i really wanted to. secondly, i could only think of mundane excuses why i said no and that is i didnt know how she was gonna pay me and that it was so troublesome to meet up with her just to give her the money. my slow mind never thought of internet transfer and that it was actually not an issue. and lastly, i feel like ive already lost an integral part of myself morally when i put my convenience first before her need.
up to the present time, i still have this feeling of shame towards myself. i did try to call her sister 2 days after our initial contact. i was asking if it was still necessary for her to borrow money. she had already left for malaysia, probably short on cash and that my attempt to help was already unnecessary. though i feel like i tried to make it right, i know i still lost it when i refused to help right there and then when my colleague was actually in need, when it mattered.
i dont know what to make of this episode in my life. i mean, even tests put before you are only taken once. and i failed. and it still pains me...perhaps being aware of it now would help me make the right choice in the future if ever an opportunity presents itself and i find myself in the same position again...perhaps id have it right then...
i had a colleague who was sacked a year ago. for what reason, i could only guess and that's already out of context here. i was a bit closer to her sister since i knew her and worked with her longer. a year or so after she left, i got a missed call on my phone. i called the number back and at first i did not even recognize or know who it was. she was back in singapore and was having trouble with her pass and she was getting frantic as she needed to exit the country for immigration purposes. she was asking for help financially.
i am not a rich person, but neither am i short on cash. for her to think of running to me must have been very difficult for her as we were not that close to each other. it could only be out of desperate need. i said i had nothing to spare.
thinking back, i couldnt help but feel bad about it. firstly, i was actually in a position to help, and i could help if only i really wanted to. secondly, i could only think of mundane excuses why i said no and that is i didnt know how she was gonna pay me and that it was so troublesome to meet up with her just to give her the money. my slow mind never thought of internet transfer and that it was actually not an issue. and lastly, i feel like ive already lost an integral part of myself morally when i put my convenience first before her need.
up to the present time, i still have this feeling of shame towards myself. i did try to call her sister 2 days after our initial contact. i was asking if it was still necessary for her to borrow money. she had already left for malaysia, probably short on cash and that my attempt to help was already unnecessary. though i feel like i tried to make it right, i know i still lost it when i refused to help right there and then when my colleague was actually in need, when it mattered.
i dont know what to make of this episode in my life. i mean, even tests put before you are only taken once. and i failed. and it still pains me...perhaps being aware of it now would help me make the right choice in the future if ever an opportunity presents itself and i find myself in the same position again...perhaps id have it right then...
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
where there is none...
making sense of whatever that doesnt really have any point at all is really stupid. when one believes something to be wrong in the first place, yet pursues it for whatever reason one can come up with, then finding out in the end that the original stand stands and cannot be refuted, there really is nothing more stupid than to have to tell it to one's face that you already knew, especially if that face is yours and that you are talking to yourself. told you so.
this is stupid. probably in the future, this is nothing but another joke to be laughed at. yet for it to find its place here means it is something to be remembered. probably not with tearjerking nostalgia, probably with dread and hate, yet such emotions are still significant since they balance the good and sweet. yes, this episode is bitter. an eye opener to the naive. an experience of the forgotten, or possibly the unknown.
for all the lies we are living, all the stench we keep containing, for all the good that we deny...cheers to fate and the universe...for everything we thought ourselves to be, we are still fleas finding our bunnies, dusts waiting to settle, feathers flowing in the wind...
yes this is to love and bitterness...and having a 3 week love affair with constant midnight conversations, climaxed by an overseas weekend honeymoon, memorable despite an abrassive dawn...how amazing to feel loved, how brazen to question...it was like heaven...
til you accept the facts...til the pieces begin to fit...til you come face to face with your demons...and you get to know yourself and what youre capable of...til you start to hate how low you can bend and how much crap you can take...and what hope really means and how stronger it really is than what they call love....til you start to feel used, and how everything feels wrong and that nothing actually makes sense.
yes this is the bitter from the sweet. out of the 3 weeks of seemingly endless joy, skyhigh bills and the devil may care less take on everything...youre willing to put up with 3 months of sorrow and sadness...youre willing to know pits of despair unknown to even the saddest clown...and the pinnacle of it is that you dont know how to turn your back to bid goodbye...you're still counting the months...and hope hasnt departed...though you would want it otherwise...you really do want it otherwise...if its only to save face...if its only to avoid disgrace...or only to sleep peacefully again...
i really want my undisturbed sleep...cause it's really stupid to hang on to hope...where clearly there is none.
this is stupid. probably in the future, this is nothing but another joke to be laughed at. yet for it to find its place here means it is something to be remembered. probably not with tearjerking nostalgia, probably with dread and hate, yet such emotions are still significant since they balance the good and sweet. yes, this episode is bitter. an eye opener to the naive. an experience of the forgotten, or possibly the unknown.
for all the lies we are living, all the stench we keep containing, for all the good that we deny...cheers to fate and the universe...for everything we thought ourselves to be, we are still fleas finding our bunnies, dusts waiting to settle, feathers flowing in the wind...
yes this is to love and bitterness...and having a 3 week love affair with constant midnight conversations, climaxed by an overseas weekend honeymoon, memorable despite an abrassive dawn...how amazing to feel loved, how brazen to question...it was like heaven...
til you accept the facts...til the pieces begin to fit...til you come face to face with your demons...and you get to know yourself and what youre capable of...til you start to hate how low you can bend and how much crap you can take...and what hope really means and how stronger it really is than what they call love....til you start to feel used, and how everything feels wrong and that nothing actually makes sense.
yes this is the bitter from the sweet. out of the 3 weeks of seemingly endless joy, skyhigh bills and the devil may care less take on everything...youre willing to put up with 3 months of sorrow and sadness...youre willing to know pits of despair unknown to even the saddest clown...and the pinnacle of it is that you dont know how to turn your back to bid goodbye...you're still counting the months...and hope hasnt departed...though you would want it otherwise...you really do want it otherwise...if its only to save face...if its only to avoid disgrace...or only to sleep peacefully again...
i really want my undisturbed sleep...cause it's really stupid to hang on to hope...where clearly there is none.
Friday, April 16, 2010
wake up call...
could it be that the hands of life, the thing responsible for conjuring existence itself, is playing with me again? it's true, it is really hard for me to move on after yesterday. i'm still trying to make sense of it all. i'm still trying to make ammends with the events that unfolded in my timeline that was april 15 2010.
is it possible that my ego has blown out proportions again that whoever's in charge decided to trim my horns? i've always thought that i've grown tame and realistic, more grounded, when i decided to divert my river's course here in this tiny dot. i mean i've been humbled to an extent i could not even have imagined. my river was flowing smoothly; not deep i would say but it was meandering smoothly. til i hit yesterday's date. i reached a waterfall.
and fall i certainly did. shamed with something i've always thought i was good at. in reality, i was forced to stare at my proud soul and made to admit that i'm not good enough. the realization of it hit me like the strength of the water cascading from Angel Falls. there was no denying the acceptance of my folly.
i am a twig floating in my river. and yet again, i am slapped by reality, probably for trying to think of myself being more than a twig. what a lowly and sad predicament to be in. suits a twig...suits me.
is it possible that my ego has blown out proportions again that whoever's in charge decided to trim my horns? i've always thought that i've grown tame and realistic, more grounded, when i decided to divert my river's course here in this tiny dot. i mean i've been humbled to an extent i could not even have imagined. my river was flowing smoothly; not deep i would say but it was meandering smoothly. til i hit yesterday's date. i reached a waterfall.
and fall i certainly did. shamed with something i've always thought i was good at. in reality, i was forced to stare at my proud soul and made to admit that i'm not good enough. the realization of it hit me like the strength of the water cascading from Angel Falls. there was no denying the acceptance of my folly.
i am a twig floating in my river. and yet again, i am slapped by reality, probably for trying to think of myself being more than a twig. what a lowly and sad predicament to be in. suits a twig...suits me.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
a piece of life..
when all the universe conspires in your favor, and you've always believed that when such an occurence happens, then evrything is meant to be,yet in hindsight your gut tells you otherwise, can you get any more confused than i am now?
it's just crazy that i've always wanted another chance, another piece of Singapore other than what i am having at the moment. if we scroll on the archives of this blog, the entry on my current provider of bread and butter cannot be missed. and so is my dismay and displeasure of it. yet im still there. so i havent got anymore entries on the subject as i feel it is pointless to keep on ranting about it when im not doing anything to change my predicament.
today i was given a chance though. ive been throwing applications for the past year, well, since i started working in Singapore, to all companies that have job vacancies in my field. i was invited for an interview, and i went today. i do not like interviews. i abhor having to explain myself to anyone, much less a condescending interviewer, i mean all interviewers are just patronizing, for me.
the whole universe seemed to be backing me up from when this chance of a lifetime came knocking on my door. it started with a then colleague, who had a stint with my current company for around a month. the moment she realized what she got into, she probably felt for us who were there, and she just offered to forward our resumes to her previous company. so she did. a month after she left, they called. i chose my offday to come for the interview. that is today. since i despise interviews, they make me throw up with fear, i had to keep busy. got all drunk last night so i can sleep well, cleaned the house this morning so my mind won't wander and think of possible questions that would stress me up. it was all good. the weather was so unforgivingly hot yet when the time came for me to walk under the sun, it was suddenly overcast. being so bad with directions, the venue was surprisingly easy to spot. being so bad with estimating travel time, i actually arrived 15 minutes early. being the shy type by nature, someone had to be there by the door the moment i needed to go in. everything was so perfect, like it was all written.
then i had to take the exam. i thought i heard it took only 15 minutes. it was an hour's time and boy i never realized an hour could go by so quickly! i do not remeber the last time i wasn't able to finish a test. and this was in one of my most beloved and thought to be my strongest line; english. was i wrong! i felt like all my brain soldiers died after the exam. they tried so hard but one part, specifically part 3 was just a massacre. they had no chance. and i was just ready to walk away. but i had to see it through the end. and that i did. what's left of my battalion, towards the end of the 2 and a half hour ordeal, no matter how brave and courageous they were, had all given up. the white flag was all over my forhead. i could not take it anymore.
the morale of this piece? it's not always up to the whole universe to hand evrything we want in a platter, ready for us to take. sometimes, we must be ready to stand up and really want to take ownership of something we desire.
it's still so much easier the other way around though if you ask me. lol. after all, even after such a disgraceful afternoon, in the deepest trenches of my heart, i still hope that the universe knows better...
it's just crazy that i've always wanted another chance, another piece of Singapore other than what i am having at the moment. if we scroll on the archives of this blog, the entry on my current provider of bread and butter cannot be missed. and so is my dismay and displeasure of it. yet im still there. so i havent got anymore entries on the subject as i feel it is pointless to keep on ranting about it when im not doing anything to change my predicament.
today i was given a chance though. ive been throwing applications for the past year, well, since i started working in Singapore, to all companies that have job vacancies in my field. i was invited for an interview, and i went today. i do not like interviews. i abhor having to explain myself to anyone, much less a condescending interviewer, i mean all interviewers are just patronizing, for me.
the whole universe seemed to be backing me up from when this chance of a lifetime came knocking on my door. it started with a then colleague, who had a stint with my current company for around a month. the moment she realized what she got into, she probably felt for us who were there, and she just offered to forward our resumes to her previous company. so she did. a month after she left, they called. i chose my offday to come for the interview. that is today. since i despise interviews, they make me throw up with fear, i had to keep busy. got all drunk last night so i can sleep well, cleaned the house this morning so my mind won't wander and think of possible questions that would stress me up. it was all good. the weather was so unforgivingly hot yet when the time came for me to walk under the sun, it was suddenly overcast. being so bad with directions, the venue was surprisingly easy to spot. being so bad with estimating travel time, i actually arrived 15 minutes early. being the shy type by nature, someone had to be there by the door the moment i needed to go in. everything was so perfect, like it was all written.
then i had to take the exam. i thought i heard it took only 15 minutes. it was an hour's time and boy i never realized an hour could go by so quickly! i do not remeber the last time i wasn't able to finish a test. and this was in one of my most beloved and thought to be my strongest line; english. was i wrong! i felt like all my brain soldiers died after the exam. they tried so hard but one part, specifically part 3 was just a massacre. they had no chance. and i was just ready to walk away. but i had to see it through the end. and that i did. what's left of my battalion, towards the end of the 2 and a half hour ordeal, no matter how brave and courageous they were, had all given up. the white flag was all over my forhead. i could not take it anymore.
the morale of this piece? it's not always up to the whole universe to hand evrything we want in a platter, ready for us to take. sometimes, we must be ready to stand up and really want to take ownership of something we desire.
it's still so much easier the other way around though if you ask me. lol. after all, even after such a disgraceful afternoon, in the deepest trenches of my heart, i still hope that the universe knows better...
Monday, March 8, 2010
full circle...
and i find myself yet again in the same spot where i started...doing what what i'd rather not...repeating what i dread...
they say its funny how life plays its jokes and yet in hindsight,when we realize the joke's on us, it doesnt even warrant a grin...i hate how i make myself believe in something, change my view, try to justify my shift and then find myself believing the same thing that i so rationally debated. its silly that i even try.
perhaps the joy of the idea is its selling point...that i in my most conservative self still fall for it over and over. the hope that something meaningful is still out there keeps me going. My sister said a line last week that stuck on me...she said that "hope is what makes the world go round" and i tried to correct her saying "love" should be the word. she held ground and i found myself in accordance to her point. when hope is gone in this world, how gloomy it shall be. i saw an instance in this documentary where the journalist scoured the farthest reaches of the country trying to raise awareness on the current plight of the Filipino in the country. she went to this province and asked one man what he would want the next president to do for them. the answer of the man sent shivers and almost brought tears to my eyes. he said he didnt want anything from the government cause everything was already hopeless. the utter lack of the virtue of hope is so sad i had to stop and stare at the screen, wondering how was it possible that this human attribute of hoping for something better be somewhat lost. my sister's flame of hope keeps burning for my family. it humbles me everytime i am reminded of how much she has sacrificed for us and yet whenever she sees a glimmer of hope, a slight chance that things can still be better, she would not hesitate to give even if it was the last bit she kept for herself.
i may not share the same intensity as my sister when it comes to hoping, yet i still believe somehow. still have a tinder, a wick that burns. because no matter how hard i try to deny and forsake the idea, deep inside i still sincerely hope that it's going to be better.
its just like when i started, how bad can it get? when things cannot get any worse, it means it can only get better, right?
they say its funny how life plays its jokes and yet in hindsight,when we realize the joke's on us, it doesnt even warrant a grin...i hate how i make myself believe in something, change my view, try to justify my shift and then find myself believing the same thing that i so rationally debated. its silly that i even try.
perhaps the joy of the idea is its selling point...that i in my most conservative self still fall for it over and over. the hope that something meaningful is still out there keeps me going. My sister said a line last week that stuck on me...she said that "hope is what makes the world go round" and i tried to correct her saying "love" should be the word. she held ground and i found myself in accordance to her point. when hope is gone in this world, how gloomy it shall be. i saw an instance in this documentary where the journalist scoured the farthest reaches of the country trying to raise awareness on the current plight of the Filipino in the country. she went to this province and asked one man what he would want the next president to do for them. the answer of the man sent shivers and almost brought tears to my eyes. he said he didnt want anything from the government cause everything was already hopeless. the utter lack of the virtue of hope is so sad i had to stop and stare at the screen, wondering how was it possible that this human attribute of hoping for something better be somewhat lost. my sister's flame of hope keeps burning for my family. it humbles me everytime i am reminded of how much she has sacrificed for us and yet whenever she sees a glimmer of hope, a slight chance that things can still be better, she would not hesitate to give even if it was the last bit she kept for herself.
i may not share the same intensity as my sister when it comes to hoping, yet i still believe somehow. still have a tinder, a wick that burns. because no matter how hard i try to deny and forsake the idea, deep inside i still sincerely hope that it's going to be better.
its just like when i started, how bad can it get? when things cannot get any worse, it means it can only get better, right?
Monday, March 1, 2010
the price of joy...
so am i just the biggest dumbass? not knowing what i want in life or not accepting what it is or even probably denying myself joy as it should be? what is the price of happiness? what does it mean to be happy?
the epicurean/hedonist doesnt know what pleasure is. what nonsense. what irony. yet finding oneself in the dark grasping your way around is hardly a joke. no one's surely laughing. for when in the dark, the first thing we try to find is a flashlight or a match to light our way. or we just keep crawling and feeling our way around. till we get our bearing. til we're comfortable.
and comfort comes with familiarity. if its something we know, we get at ease. yet what happens if what we know is something we try to avoid. for what purpose, it does not count. we just try to conform. make everyone happy. except ourselves. and maybe it doesnt matter. especially if we dont know what happiness is.
so...will you pay the price of joy...?
the epicurean/hedonist doesnt know what pleasure is. what nonsense. what irony. yet finding oneself in the dark grasping your way around is hardly a joke. no one's surely laughing. for when in the dark, the first thing we try to find is a flashlight or a match to light our way. or we just keep crawling and feeling our way around. till we get our bearing. til we're comfortable.
and comfort comes with familiarity. if its something we know, we get at ease. yet what happens if what we know is something we try to avoid. for what purpose, it does not count. we just try to conform. make everyone happy. except ourselves. and maybe it doesnt matter. especially if we dont know what happiness is.
so...will you pay the price of joy...?
Saturday, February 27, 2010
lacking...
a friend asked me recently how i was and what i was doing...meaning with mylife...i have such close,few and very chosen circles that we share something others may not be able to comprehend...we share an understanding.
what i do for a living is not something i am proud of...or something i will broadcast to the world...this may invite raised eyebrows from wherever...that's just me.
but what struck me with the query is the realization that i still lack purpose...my fingers were faster than my brain that night...they just typed...im a drifter dude...which in fact was true. it doesnt matter what im doing for a living, i lack a purpose for doing so.
ive already accomplished what i came here to do...im debt-free. my excess baggage is another story but...thats probably for a different post when the time is right.
how it just came out too naturally now bothers me...ive already accepted unconsciously that im just drifting away...im a log on a river...is that what i'm gonna be?
this is very scary indeed. pause...
what i do for a living is not something i am proud of...or something i will broadcast to the world...this may invite raised eyebrows from wherever...that's just me.
but what struck me with the query is the realization that i still lack purpose...my fingers were faster than my brain that night...they just typed...im a drifter dude...which in fact was true. it doesnt matter what im doing for a living, i lack a purpose for doing so.
ive already accomplished what i came here to do...im debt-free. my excess baggage is another story but...thats probably for a different post when the time is right.
how it just came out too naturally now bothers me...ive already accepted unconsciously that im just drifting away...im a log on a river...is that what i'm gonna be?
this is very scary indeed. pause...
Saturday, February 20, 2010
im not getting it soon...
im not referring to any of my dreams or whatever it is i have always wanted all my life...im simply referring to the closure i was looking for...blame it on all the social networking sites ive registered myself into...
all the photos of old and now add the chat function where we are updated real time regarding each and evreyone's current state...
i wanted closure so i can start anew. may not be the noblest of reasons as i just want a blank slate to begin a new life...really. its not right as life is what you make of it and you are what you have allowed yourself to become because of your past.
still i want a clear slate. sue me.
there's a lot of things that came rushing back just when i was trying anew. so many realizations. the bite of nostalgia was so deep it could literally make me cry. how so much of the old me is still me and how much i wanted it to be otherwise and yet the futility of trying is so ethereal i can touch it. that is just plain sad.
i have just realized that for the longest time in my life...i have been fat. i still am. thanks to the photos in facebook...i finally accepted..i really am not getting any type of closures anytime soon.
if it means i wont also be able to start anew...is totally up to me, i guess.
all the photos of old and now add the chat function where we are updated real time regarding each and evreyone's current state...
i wanted closure so i can start anew. may not be the noblest of reasons as i just want a blank slate to begin a new life...really. its not right as life is what you make of it and you are what you have allowed yourself to become because of your past.
still i want a clear slate. sue me.
there's a lot of things that came rushing back just when i was trying anew. so many realizations. the bite of nostalgia was so deep it could literally make me cry. how so much of the old me is still me and how much i wanted it to be otherwise and yet the futility of trying is so ethereal i can touch it. that is just plain sad.
i have just realized that for the longest time in my life...i have been fat. i still am. thanks to the photos in facebook...i finally accepted..i really am not getting any type of closures anytime soon.
if it means i wont also be able to start anew...is totally up to me, i guess.
Monday, February 1, 2010
good as a bad man...
ever doubted your own standard of morality? or spared a thought on how you react on things of mundane significance...to most of us? ever gauged you kindess level or apathy?
i was asked my line of thought last night...not that it bothered me...i just wasnt aware i was actually abiding by one. i asked if it was imperative that i had one...perhaps i do...i just dont know which or whose...pitiful for a philosophy major.
but what does create a tingle in my brain is my consciousness everytime i am faced with a random situation where kindess is put to test. it's always in the weirdest context i have to scratch my head in retrospect.
i remember the first time i had to give up my lunch for another person. well technically it wasn't lunch, it was around 4 in the morning, but it was my lunch break. i just had my first bite on my burger when a not so elderly woman tapped my shoulder and gestured that she wanted to have the rest of my food. i was stunned yet i gave it to her. she wasn't a beggar,she wasnt deranged, she was quite decent. immediately after letting go of my lunch, i asked myself what was the reason why i gave it to her. was i embarassed to refuse her? was i trying to keep face in front of my colleagues? did i feel compassion for her?
when i came here, i had 2 identical scenarios where 1 reacted differently. i smoke. and if you've been here, you're aware that smokers here are punished,with a very high cost for the vice. I was standing in one of the places where you are allowed to smoke when an old man came to me and asked for a cigarette. the refusal was automatic. probably a year or so after, the same thing happened. it was a different old man. this time, i even lit up the cigarette for him...with my lighter.
it has always been a thought worth pondering for me. i know i am not the most charitable person...yes i am selfish for crying out loud. i can go on justifying this sin and i will always be believing myself. but when i think about how i reacted a couple of times in my life,i wonder, what made me go against my usual reaction of just saying no?
i usually don't bother. indifferent to everything. to people.to myself. and now, it still amazes me...is it motives that make a moral man? cause i still cant figure out mine.
but i do remember the feeling after. it was nice...
i was asked my line of thought last night...not that it bothered me...i just wasnt aware i was actually abiding by one. i asked if it was imperative that i had one...perhaps i do...i just dont know which or whose...pitiful for a philosophy major.
but what does create a tingle in my brain is my consciousness everytime i am faced with a random situation where kindess is put to test. it's always in the weirdest context i have to scratch my head in retrospect.
i remember the first time i had to give up my lunch for another person. well technically it wasn't lunch, it was around 4 in the morning, but it was my lunch break. i just had my first bite on my burger when a not so elderly woman tapped my shoulder and gestured that she wanted to have the rest of my food. i was stunned yet i gave it to her. she wasn't a beggar,she wasnt deranged, she was quite decent. immediately after letting go of my lunch, i asked myself what was the reason why i gave it to her. was i embarassed to refuse her? was i trying to keep face in front of my colleagues? did i feel compassion for her?
when i came here, i had 2 identical scenarios where 1 reacted differently. i smoke. and if you've been here, you're aware that smokers here are punished,with a very high cost for the vice. I was standing in one of the places where you are allowed to smoke when an old man came to me and asked for a cigarette. the refusal was automatic. probably a year or so after, the same thing happened. it was a different old man. this time, i even lit up the cigarette for him...with my lighter.
it has always been a thought worth pondering for me. i know i am not the most charitable person...yes i am selfish for crying out loud. i can go on justifying this sin and i will always be believing myself. but when i think about how i reacted a couple of times in my life,i wonder, what made me go against my usual reaction of just saying no?
i usually don't bother. indifferent to everything. to people.to myself. and now, it still amazes me...is it motives that make a moral man? cause i still cant figure out mine.
but i do remember the feeling after. it was nice...
Sunday, January 31, 2010
closure...please?
ive been in a state of cold nostalgia for over a week now...biting me to the bone...gritting my veins...sometimes i wonder why the hell do i even bother? im very much aware of the futility of gloating over the past...ive actually believed myself to be the forward looking type...happy go lucky guy...
lately ive been stopping on my track a lot and always looking back on my life...sometimes laughing over photos taken then, smiling and trying to remember how i felt at that certain point in my life but mostly i have this bitter sensation...from where i cannot even begin to understand.
do i have that much regret in life or how i spent what is already over? im sure not. will i live it differently? probably some aspects but then again i will still contest that. perhaps it was too good and the fact that its over makes me pissed...a little too much?
maybe its the last reason...probably so. i just cant freakin let go of what i had. and this statement is so contradicting since i dont have it anymore so whats there to let go of? then again its not something material anyway. and so much to say yet i choose to blabber about semantics...
maybe i just need closure...that makes sense...
lately ive been stopping on my track a lot and always looking back on my life...sometimes laughing over photos taken then, smiling and trying to remember how i felt at that certain point in my life but mostly i have this bitter sensation...from where i cannot even begin to understand.
do i have that much regret in life or how i spent what is already over? im sure not. will i live it differently? probably some aspects but then again i will still contest that. perhaps it was too good and the fact that its over makes me pissed...a little too much?
maybe its the last reason...probably so. i just cant freakin let go of what i had. and this statement is so contradicting since i dont have it anymore so whats there to let go of? then again its not something material anyway. and so much to say yet i choose to blabber about semantics...
maybe i just need closure...that makes sense...
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Grasping Air
I miss my past. When everything was simple and happiness was easy. It changed when I started to define what joy was. I never understood that it's only real when you're in that moment only. It's when you laugh carelessly with friends, when you share sunrises with them. When conversations are random, yet judgement was non-existent.When you sing and they grab your microphone.
Then...you all age. They say with age comes wisdom. But I realize age blurs lines that matter. When we start to distinguish joy from real happiness, problems from the mundane, future and what we make of it. It's a sad realization that is inevitable, I guess.
Life is journey so they say. It's the ride that matters, not the destination.No used crying over spilled milk, or those that we actually drank. Still,it's gone. No taking it back. Like our lives that we shared with people. People that are now estranged. People who we'll be having superficial conversation from hereon. People we actually cherish and love.
At least we share memories. Nothing lasts forever anyway.Even friends. We keep what we have and move on. And know that in our hearts, we were all happy. To cling to the past would be riduculouos, maybe even disastrous for us.
But still, right now, at this very moment, with this extreme level of nostalgia, I want to be able to live like that again. Like nothing changed.
Though I know, it's only grasping air.
Then...you all age. They say with age comes wisdom. But I realize age blurs lines that matter. When we start to distinguish joy from real happiness, problems from the mundane, future and what we make of it. It's a sad realization that is inevitable, I guess.
Life is journey so they say. It's the ride that matters, not the destination.No used crying over spilled milk, or those that we actually drank. Still,it's gone. No taking it back. Like our lives that we shared with people. People that are now estranged. People who we'll be having superficial conversation from hereon. People we actually cherish and love.
At least we share memories. Nothing lasts forever anyway.Even friends. We keep what we have and move on. And know that in our hearts, we were all happy. To cling to the past would be riduculouos, maybe even disastrous for us.
But still, right now, at this very moment, with this extreme level of nostalgia, I want to be able to live like that again. Like nothing changed.
Though I know, it's only grasping air.
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