even the bamboo breaks...

the bamboo is such a fascinating plant. swaying where the wind blows, bending to its will, yet staying grounded and standing still.

i am a bamboo. well grounded. flexible. i am tall yet i know where i stand. i've been humbled yet im still upright. and i plan to continue doing so.

but everything has its limit. storms and cyclones abate. a week and the winds lose their strength or they move away. but what happens when when the battering never ends? mondays are the worst. yet it doesn't get better on tuesdays. unfortunately, like the bamboo i feel rooted, unable to move away. at the moment, i have to stay. til when, i know not. yet the realization that it doesn't always have to be this way gets me going everyday. i know it can be better.

though im at the breaking point, my resignation letter is printed, needing only an effectivity date and my signature, im still holding on. ill keep on swaying where the wind is blowing. cause im a bamboo, the noblest of the grasses.

but keep on the battering and this time i wont even resist. though im not ready to give up, im at the point where it doesn't matter anymore. after all, even the bamboo breaks.

and yes, i can still be a flea. a brave happy flea.

and it goes on...

the learning continues. when we have nothing to lose yet we struggle to keep on, when smiling is a luxury and we can't spare a penny, when nothing makes sense at all, why do we let ourselves suffer?

my pronoun is unfair. i know it doesn't apply to us all. it's a coping mechanism, let me share my burden, even just for a while.

it doesn't get better. my days seem to get worse everyday. i've already cried my heart out, yet i i still feel like i'm the one in debt. i do my stuff and i do it well yet i get no appreciation. looks like i will be getting more pressure, because i'm good. the joke is definitely on me. it hurts like pain itself because i am aware and i allow it. but im not yet willing to confront my issues, i am still a son to my folks and a brother to my siblings.

i will keep on, til i break. i will try to make it easier on me in any possible way that i can get away with. i hope life will surprise me with a better option. oh God i hate my boss! i know i still have a lot to be thankful for, and yes i am very grateful. and if at the moment this really is the price, i will keep paying. just give me the courage to hold on. coz at the moment, there isn't any other thought in my mind but to scream the lines "i quit, i'm done, i won't take this anymore, this is over for me"

so the pain goes on...i will still take it, till it hurts no more.

the flea...

ever heard of the flea story? i heard it first back in college. the flea who lived at the back of the bunny. the bunny's hair being so soft and smooth, and comfortable. the point was will the flea climb the tip of the bunny's fur and see the world and what it has to offer. or stick to the silky smooth fur.

its a reflection of how we as humans tend to dwell in our coat of bunny. how we supposedly miss a lot of opportunities to discover the beauty of life because like the flea, we are afraid to leave our comfort zones. it's a story that made me decide to start anew and take my leap of faith. i refused to be the scared flea, i wanted to get my piece of the world.

what i discovered however was quite frustrating. i am still a flea. though i braved the uncertainty of the world outside my bunny, i found myself just looking for yet another bunny to cuddle in. i am again slapped with the harshness of reality. the futility of it all gets me down sometimes because i have yet to convince myself that i am actually going to get what i bargained for which is not much since i don't really think i had a lot to lose. i didn't think i had anything to lose.

then i saw my reflection off the window of the train. i didn't recognize who i saw. it was a different person, i was sure i didn't see me. i still looked the same, yet i wasn't the person i knew.

i am losing my smile.

it's one of the first few things i've noticed since i came here. the people of singapore have a lot to smile about, but they don't do so. not just the chinese nor the indians nor any other race living in this country. even the jolly filipino seems to be joining the fad of not smiling.

i have yet comprehend the point of it all. i was a happy flea. i was a happy brave flea. how can a seemingly better bunny take away my smile? was it all wrong to begin with? everything that i worked so hard for...my final jump from my comfort bunny. is life just teaching a lesson by letting me experience the futility of it all?

after all, i am still yet only a flea and i will always need a bunny

my lizards...

nope, this one is not a figure of speech. it's quite literal. i claimed ownership on a pair of lizards living on a body of water that i pass by everyday when i go to work. between 7-8 in the morning, on the side of the train facing the sun, i take my time looking for a pair of monitor lizards swimming across the lake in khatib.

i don't really own them, i didn't buy them from a pet store, i don't feed them. i really don't have anything to do with the lizards. i just happened to notice a break in the still waters of the lake one morning, and then saw it again the next day.

it has become a part of my everyday life here. i made it something that would help me get by. when i have no choice but to take a spot facing the other side, against the waters of the lake, i feel like my day didn't start right and that it would not end well. and whenever my lizards show their ripples in the water, i can't help but smile. i feel like they are greeting me, letting me know that even lizards can find their place here. i may not have completely settled in this country yet, but i know it'd come. after all, i have yet to receive my first pay.

everyday is still a struggle. i don't think i would ever be comfortable with all the shouting. i may really be just a gentle simpleton, not made for the high pitched high volume type of discourse. i manage to get by staying calm. thank god for the clean air here, and the birds...

it's just crazy, how an unconscious act of noticing a random ripple on the water on a fine day could make such profound realizations on life.

and everyday since then, i had to take the same place in the train, the one that most people here avoid, the one facing the sun, so i can always see the break in the still waters of khatib reservoir...

what???

second day at work...got a more open approach on things...was more than willing to learn the trade...was very enthusiastic on all matters concerning work...i was everything i wanted to be today...despite everything, i did what i had to do...

and when i got home...my nose bled!

i don't understand what it means. i try to cope, i am adapting...i started to work from 830 am, i left the office at 9pm...we don't have coffee breaks, they may even want lunch to be cut to half an hour...i degrade my communication skills, i put up with ludicrous grammar, i am even forced to cut my smoking...just to get by, i'm losing my sense of self...even if this is the price, i'm still willing to pay...

i do not understand why...

i just know that today, my nose bled...

let me...

i will whine...i am already whining...there's a lot of things to whine about...i'm angry...it's not healthy i know, but what the heck, it's a lot to keep in. i do not want to implode.

i started with my job earlier today. it wasn't anything i expected. it was actually everything i dreaded. i didn't get any product orientation. i didn't get any system training. i wasn't introduced to colleagues. i was mocked. i was challenged. i was...i think i am again being pushed around. i wanted to give up. i honestly want to just go home and stay there. where everyone smiles, where life's a breeze, where my heart is.

but i won't. i will stay. i will let life test me. i will learn my limits. i will keep going even if it hurts more. even if i lose face everyday. even if i want to give up every minute, every time i fail life's test, even if i start to question the worth of it all. i have made goals. everything that happens now is just another step to achieving the simple targets.

i'm boiling inside. i feel exhausted. so i know you'll understand if you'll see a lot of this emotion in the near future. we may not have the same position in my current situation. but since this is my world, what the fuck. i'll keep on whining...i don't care if you won't let me...

bad...

i'm starting tomorrow with my new job. i'm excited about it even though i still have qualms about taking it. i am in a rush to start working since i am not really comfortable on being a dependent person. I must really be egoistic and I pay a price for it.

i don't have peace on the job that i took. i just have 2 issues namely; 1st long working hours, 2nd salary. it's just whining, what i'm doing right now, but hey, i want to whine so sue me.

i agreed to take the job because i need income. i agreed to the terms because i was desperate. now that everything is ready, i dread tomorrow. but i'm going. i'm going because i'm still desperate and i still need an income. nothing's going to change that. now i do not expect a long stint with this company, but i figured since it's a start for me here, no matter how seemingly unfair and unjust it is, i might as well set a goal for myself.

here goes. i left my country with some debt. i did not run away from them, i'm still paying online. now, no matter how bad my start is here in Singapore, i might as well make sure something good is going to come out of it. i plan to stay with this company for at least 6 months, that is if they didn't boot me out first. while i'm at it with them, i will make sure i am able to zero out my debt back home. now that's another reason to go on. despite everything that is so wrong with the agreement.

i'm feeling so low right now, like a person who just got robbed right in his face. i'm very vulnerable. but i have to keep sight of the good things. i have work. i will be able to finance my stay here. i won't be dependent anymore. i will have income. and i will be able to pay off my debt.

i just have to keep reminding myself of these things, otherwise i won't be a happy employee. darn it, is there a person who is such? a happy employee? nah...

pay off debt. got work. no longer dependent. pay off debt. got work...and it goes on...

worth...

how much are you really worth? i got my work pass yesterday. it seems like i am really worth more than what i think of myself. i begged to be considered for a minimum paying job, one that pays 1800 sgd. that's what companies pay for s pass holders. that's what they should pay, according to the Ministry of Manpower. that's what i am getting paid, the answer to my prayers.

now, the pass i was approved for was worth more. i got an employment pass. minimum salary is supposed to be 2500 sgd. when i applied for the position, i only asked for 2200 sgd. the hiring manager was clear that the asking price was too much. she gave me all these explanations on how we can work things out so i can be given the minimum of 1800, ergo the long work hours. now lo and behold, i was actually worth more than my asking price.

dilemma that haunts me at the moment is what's going to happen next? i havent started working yet, but now that the company knows i was given an epass instead of an spass, i am afraid that they can withdraw their sponsorship they gave me. i was advised not to worry on it, they won't do that. but, if so, if i am really to be hired, isn't it logical they just give me what im worth? 2500.

it is a 700 sgd difference and in this country...well, anywhere else as far as i am concerned, that's a lot of money and it can pay a lot of my debt. i needed yet again to get this out of my system because i have to move on. i'm very grateful that a company took a chance on a foreigner like me. as i said, it was an answered prayer to be hired and to actually hold a pass here.

it just tickles my ego to know that i am actually worth more. at the moment, that really is not my most urgent concern. i'm very happy that i'll be starting soon. if i were given the minimum for an epass holder, its definitely like winning the lottery. its a big thing since i really do not have any luck on that kind of thing. perhaps, it's asking for too much. but then again, it is their government who decides that.

i wish they take heed. ok, that's pushing it...

bamboo...

i have to get this out of my system, if i want it to leave me alone. i've been haunted by the thought that i've been bending some of my principles to cope with living abroad. when i first got here, i was repulsed by the idea that my sister's house mates had to render extra time at work, just to prove they are worth keeping. my stand was if they signed something stating that they had to work from 9-6, they should be out of the office by 6. it was just logical...and fair.

when i got one of the 2 calls for an interview, i was slapped with the long hours. the post i was considered for only offered so much money. apparently, according to their government, i was worth more. now for the company to be able to hire me, they had to give more than what the post is worth, and for them to be able to do so, i had to render extra time. four hours...daily. so that's working from 9 am to 10 pm. didn't sound fair. very illogical. wasn't right.

i didn't take the job on the spot. the set up was like legalizing everything that i was against. i wasn't one to slave for money. i wasn't one to be pushed around. i wasn't...

i wasn't a lot of things. but i am someone who is willing to learn, someone who is open to changes, i crave growth. so instead of whining about the long hours i will have to endure everyday once i start working, i am trying to adopt a new perspective on things. i am anchoring on my real goal when i decided to fly over. i now have a job. and at the moment, that's all that matters.

life's games

to dwell on life's challenges can really be a drag. especially if the odds are against us. i was ready to back off, pack my luggage, and basically just throw in the towel. hasn't really been that easy for me here anyway. my month in the lion city was good, but not particularly rewarding personally for myself. i mean, i am here as a tourist but not quite so in motive. plan was to find a job and move on. being self supporting since graduation, the thought of not even being able to buy my pack of cigarette is really not easy to bear. although it's all ego on the lose, that's basically all that i have.

so a couple of days ago was the lowest so far. was waiting for a call, to confirm a meeting, basically to set things in motion, so I'll be able to start supporting my stay here. so i can move on. call never came. i made myself busy, to cope. i did the laundry, ironed clothes, cleaned the room. creating lines to tell my sister while in the process. i was ready with my rebuttals in case she insisted i stayed. my spirit was just crushed. i was just ready to give up.

and as life would once again have it, playing with my emotions, pushing me further, reiterating that it's still in charge, that i am just a pawn, my phone rang. got my call. wheel's set in motion. hope's flared anew.

every time i reflect on my decision of leaving everything behind and moving here to start anew, i find no doubt about it. somehow, i have peace. everything just worked out so smoothly. it scares me sometimes, the seemingly perfect process of relocating. still got doubts though. nothing is guaranteed after all. but what happened last Friday is something i will always hold on to. somehow, when all else is lost, life itself will give you a nudge. it gave me back my faith in life's games. I'm not giving up. I'll keep on playing. till the games are over

sad...

i saw something i wasn't supposed to see earlier. got access to my mother's email account. i saw she got one from my sister.

i know i shouldn't be snooping around my mother's inbox, but that's already beside the point. my sister is breaking down. with everything that has come upon my family, i understand it's just about time she jolted. it's been a long time coming. she has been carrying the burden for a couple of years now. with literally no help from anyone... including me.

now instead of being able to throw in a helping hand, or offer a kind of respite to her, i'm here...totally useless to anyone in my family including myself. and it saddens me...

i just don't know what else could i do.

anxiety attack

i've got this uneasy feeling at the pit of my stomach...i do not understand...maybe i'm worrying too much, about how everything is turning out for me here. perhaps it's the uncertainty of everything that's happening in my life. i'm creating my own ghosts to fear, i think i'm starting to get scared.

i should block it off. i will not entertain negative thoughts. i've got to put up my defenses, my walls. i know i did the right thing, otherwise it wouldn't have been so smooth. i know i'm right where i should be, or else i wouldn't be here. and yet here i am.

patience, my child. patience.

now going back to my tummy, hmmm. i really should heed nature's call.

fear...

are we aware of our fears? i was recently told that the chinese are a very superstitious people. there are rumours of closing down train stations because of ghosts. and then there's sound the falling marbles heard in HDB units. although the phenomenon was explained as pointing to some uniform design HDB buildings followed, and the non-operation of the train station as a business no-no, these still make a good prelude to my rumination.

i am not afraid of ghosts. neither am i scared of snakes. heights and tight spaces make me uncomfortable, but alas, they do not scare me. my greatest fear... is to end up like the person very dear to me.

my father retired when i was only around 5 or 6 years old. i am not aware of the real reason behind his decision but i never felt like he was able to move forward from there. he was not even 40 then. sure, he handled several businesses, took other jobs and he also went to other places. but in everything he did, i never saw passion. he never gave his heart in his endeavors. i doubt if he was ever happy.

i am not trying to disgrace my father, nor am i justifying whatever ill feelings i have for him. i am not a perfect son, but i try my best. i haven't seen that from my pop. i've never seen him try. eversince i can remember, it was already my mother who was slaving for the family to keep the standard life we are used to. sure she made mistakes...a lot of them. we no longer own the house we grew up in, she is in more debt that i could only guess how many creditors she is currently trying to evade. but hey, we were never hungry. my father, on the other hand, never seemed to make any decisions of his own. he always went by what other people said; he either agreed or opposed to my mother's ideas, but he never really came up with his own. and he is always angry. he gets ticked off by the littlest things, he can get unappreciative of other people's efforts and he gives off that impression that he has to be pleased.

i obviously have a lot of issues here. still, i want to be clear. i love my father. he is sweet, he is eager to please other people sometimes especially me. he cooks the best food when he cooks for me and my sister. i just hate what had becomeof such a brilliant mind and a good heart. he has the tendency to dwell in the past. he could have just faced it then and moved on. he could have gone a long way. but he didnt. he still whines about it.

how sad my father's life must be, but to blame others is unacceptable. im just so scared i'd end up like him.

hope's fading

been here for barely a month but it feels like i've stayed here for a millenia! got here on the 19th of april with a very simple plan; land a job, start working then all will be a breeze. i prepared myself psychologically, or so i thought, about the waiting game. i knew it wasn't going to be easy to land a job. i knew i needed to wait for quite a while for a decent offer to come. i am no pushover when it comes to track record and credentials after all. so i figured, it's gonna come...soon.

so why am i feeling so low? i feel so darn low it hurts. i never believed my simple plan was fool proof, i knew it wasnt perfect. it was too simple. but i never knew it was going to hurt this bad. i never intended for my plan to go against me! why does it have to be so difficult? i only want a job. and then move on.

i havent gotten any offers yet. i havent gotten any freaking invitiation for an interview for crying out loud! so what now? i am reduced to nothing more than a bum, waiting for time to pass by. holy cow! that's what i am anyway, a bum.

pressure at 25?

i just turned 25 yesterday. im jobless. im a foreigner in singapore. i just arrived a week ago. i have 60 sgd in my wallet. i am not expecting any money to be sent from the philippines or anywhere else. i smoke. i have not really made up my mind about quitting yet.

with these things being my primary concern at present, my best friend, currently working in Saudi, working on his annulment in the philippines, dropped a question through YM "at your age, aren't you pressured to have a girlfriend?"

my fingers froze.

why? should? i? be? pressured? i didnt have time to retaliate, he gave me a disclaimer not to take offense before dropping the bomb. i said no. i am not pressured. just a little background: i've only had 2 relationships in my life. the last one ended when i was 19. so it's getting people worried. it worries me too sometimes. but going back, should i actually be pressured to have a girlfriend jusy because i turned a year older? i just explained that i recently took a chance at cupid's love potion but unfortunately, it didnt have the right mix.

point is, should i compromise my standards, should i force myself, should i keep playing around?

what for? to keep appearances? to dispel doubts? to satisfy norms?

ive got loads of stuff on my mind. i dont know where to get my next payment for my loan. i dont know what'll happen come the day my pass expires. i dont know how i'd be able to buy cigarettes next week.

so, am i pressured at 25? fuck...im as young as i will always want to be. to hell with society's dirty, negative and evil norms.

i will not compromise love!

So What Now?

Now what? A year...that's how long it took for you to carry out a plan that was made 2 years ago. Back in 2006 you agreed to move to a foreign land to earn more money. In 2007, you decided to move to a different site so you could "detach" yourself fromyour colleagues whom you started to form friendships with. It's now 2008. You are now in a foreign land. You have yet to land a job to earn more money but in retrospect, everything turned up well. You are where you wanted to be, 2 years ago.

Is it just the fact that you are still jobless that infuriates you? The fact that for quite some time now, well since april 19, you have been depending on your sister? The reality that without her, you would not know what to do?

Perhaps.

But I know I still have it easy and I'm very grateful. Spitting on my ego really doesn't compare to what others had to go through. I had to delay my flight to Singapore for 2 years because I wasn't willing to let the ego land. I was scared. I still am.

But I had to take the plunge. I wanted to. Convincing myself wasn't hard. I needed a change. And now that I gave up the comforts the ego provided, starting from scratch is just one consequence. I have been reduced. It bothers me, but I couldn't care less cause the wheels are in motion.

I set them.

Drop the Doubt

There is definitely comfort in delay;
Procrastinating the uncertain;

Lingering a little longer in the comforts of monotony.





There comes a time, however, to set the wheels in motion.

The familiar is good, but in time,it gets stale.

And either boredom or necessity awakes the spirit,

We only have to heed the call.


It gets very strange that we even try to hesitate

And doubt and then try to deny the inevitable

Nothing but fear is to blame.

It's far from pleasant, yet it's real.





Movement. Growth. Or just change.

Simple words that are both meaningful and mundane.

Would not require much thought to comprehend.

Yet to understand its essence, one has to fully embrace;

Accept that there is motion involved.

For if one does not, they remain to be as they are:

Just words... And empty.


...02/02/08...