2010 through...

this has been my attempt at life for 2010... i treaded carefully most of the time but there have been instances when i just rushed through it head on...i fell in love, or so that's what i think, got broken, tried to to fix the pieces, felt recuperated, moved on, wallowed a bit and inevitably had to continue...albeit some backward glances perhaps with wishful thoughts of what could have been or what still may be. i lived, in short, and i'm gonna keep doing so.

raise your glasses for life and its beauty...for the universe and how it is really the master puppeteer...for pain and how it highlights the littlest things that we take for granted...for joy and how silly it is to try to analyze it..for love, whatever it means...

for a year that has passed, for the family that honed us, for the new people who helped us know ourselves better, for the experiences that polished what's real precious in us, for what we are and hope to be, for the core of our being trying to peek through the walls we built,for the art that we love yet somehow deny, for the circumstances that tested us, for the opportunities we lost,for the dreams that we only begun to strive for, there is a lot to be thankful for...and now there's a lot to look forward to and  live for.

and for the year to come, for what we still don't know, for what we may still be afraid to find out, for fear itself, for life and it's uncertainty...we will push through...head on, or on tiptoes...for life is always good...and we'll take what it gives us...and we'll be fine...

cheers...

9:05 am

"What time is your flight?" I asked, not sure if I'd get a reply. Not really wanting to know because that would confirm my fear of you leaving for sure.

Earlier in the day, you had an appointment, an interview for a post. You called during lunch time, asking if it was worth it, if you should take the job.You obviously had apprehensions about the eagerness of the interviewer and how the whole process can work out a pass for you before your current one expires. I had doubts because they were asking you to shell out cash when they were the ones who were hiring you in the first place. Still, you wanted to think it over first and though I thought you already decided to forgo the opportunity, I somehow wished you changed your mind.

9:05 am you said was your flight. You'd be at the airport at 7 am. Terminal 2. "Are you going to see me off?", you asked. Though I already figured you were not staying, I still cannot get over the feeling of one's tiny trepidations coming to life. That's really how it felt. I was probably expecting you to say you extended your stay. It's like knowing the water is cold and getting drenched in the rain on a cold December night just to get a first hand feel of it. "I'm not good with goodbyes", I said. Just like you said in another conversation we had. Yet in fact the airport was just too far and that I was already drunk and I knew I could not wake up early. But I wanted to. If it means having to see you again one more time.

I came back home at around 230 am. I wanted to call you. But reason got the better of me. I thought you were already asleep because that's what people should be doing at 230 am, and that you actually needed to rest for your flight today, and I really had nothing to say. Because I've already said what I needed to say. I've already said I was grateful to you for reigniting my passion for reading. I've already said how much I would have liked our conversations to never end. How I very much like to never stop seeing you. Words. Mighty heavy hefty words. It's what connects people in some ways. It's definitely what connects us.

So there,I guess my brief affair with books and decent talks about films and dogs and family ends. You were coming back in January you said. It's only a month's time. But we will never know. It may not be the same then. You may change. Or I may. Nothing is set in stone after all. Yet instead of reveling on the future's uncertainty,since I already share a common sunset on a lake with you, topped by silly songs blurted out of nowhere, I choose to wallow on the simple and unpretentious memories we share. I may never pass by the lake without thinking of you. And how you would say that the colors of the sunset is what makes it beautiful, but I would still be convinced that the sunset's true beauty is actually its transience. It's transience which is now you and I.

There'd be a load of memories to go by.  At least for a while, a little while longer. Until the 9:05 am flight takes even that away  too.

running a marathon...

No, I didn't run a marathon. I didn't yet and probably never will. Yet somehow I find myself thinking "How exactly does it feel to accomplish a seemingly Herculean feat?"

Last Sunday, I watched and supported my sister while she ran her 10 km race. Her boyfriend, Kuya Bang Bang ran the Marathon. I supported him too.

My initial take on running is that it is a total waste of time. So one can only imagine my stance on a 10 km race, and let alone a 42 km run. I'm sure people have their own reasons for taking this sport. I know some who run to keep in shape. They would argue its health benefits. Some run to pass time. This is only understandable when you are living in Singapore where there is nothing much to do but work and shop. 

I do not know what is the motivating factor of Kuya especially given the fact that he has already run a marathon once 2 years ago. I've heard a saying that it was wise to climb a certain mountain once and yet it was foolish to do it twice. Except probably for athletes who do it for a living, I could not comprehend why people run marathons.

And then on Sunday I saw them. More than 60,000 people at 3 separate starting points to run their respective races. There was the 10 km race, half marathon  and full marathon. We sent off Kuya first. His race started at 5 am. Then I sent off my sister at 7:30 am. That was a two and a half hour interval, and yet before her race started, the elite runners of the marathon were already crossing the finish line! Yes, I didn't know it at that time. I was snapping away photos of those who were running about, thinking it was like the halfway mark. Then I realized it was only around 500 meters from the finish line!

Yes, I took their photos. I think I actually took some good ones. Imagine having run more than 41 kilometers, and you're trying to catch your breath, and you are sore all over and I catch your moment of pain and freeze it  for eternity, immortalizing a part of your life in frame.

I was happy and oblivious to the world, only minding my snaps when I realized it was already time for my sister to finish her race. You can get mad at the chaos that was called the finish line. There was the swarm of runners and there was the throng of supporters as well. I was very lucky to see her through the crowd and take her photo. She never saw me so hers was a candid shot.

Kuya on the other hand has always been one to put on a show. It was also by sheer luck that I saw him coming. The moment he recognized me on the sideline, he put on his theatrics. Yes, he was quite a scene, by himself, to behold. Usually, I am put off by the slightest form of showmanship. Yet this one I kind of support and even applaud. It is kind of deserved and I was actually really proud of him.

For whatever reason one has to subject his body to utter torture, I could only guess. The glow in their eyes though, after they cross the finish line cannot be missed. It shines through the exhaustion and fatigue they must be suffering. And at that point in time, when the usual unbearable stench of human sweat becomes too overwhelming, one cannot ignore the sweet smell of victory. It may be one of the reasons people still run marathons. It may be the only reason I would even dare to contemplate doing it myself. Just to be able to say, probably before I die, that yes, I run a marathon, and lived through it. Even if there is a chance Kuya Bang Bang would probably belittle the act and brag that he has done it twice.

Sayin no...

Today I was presented with an opportunity to be an agent of good karma. A colleague needed a favor, he needed to change schedule with me to suit his timetable for next month's leave. It is quite a task to schedule vacation leaves in the office as they are decided by a raffle draw. On top of that, the days off are never the same each week. We are given a roster every month, our schedule, time in and off day.

Apparently, my off day on the second week of January is all that my colleague needs to be able to go back home to our country. Yes, he's my compatriot from The Philippines. And if you have ever been out of your own country, you tend to feel for people who have the slightest connection to you, like sharing the same country. You tend to relate to them, as if you are family.

So it came as a surprise that I actually refused the swap. Not without a heavy heart, but I still refused. My remorse doesn't clear my conscience, I'm still bothered. I know that someday, I may be the one in need and the roles might be reversed. I don't know what the deciding factor was, probably the idea of working 6 days straight, or the fact that I'd be losing a long weekend.Whatever it was, it does not change the fact that I could have made one person happy. I did not. I do not know how i can look him in the eye when we pass each other by the corridor. He did say it was ok though, yet still the guilt I am feeling right now warranted a post.

I should say no more often. So I can get used to letting people down.

is it a crime?

As a graduate of the the University of the Philippines, the premier state of university of my country, much is expected of me, I guess. My college education was in part subsidized by the government making my tuition fee a lot cheaper compared to other schools without compromising the quality of learning. Or so they say. And in return, there is this notion that all graduates of the school should return the favor by serving the country and the people in the Philippines.

I saw a tv documentary recently about my alma mater celebrating its centennial anniversary this year. It brought back loads of memories, the nostalgia was overwhelming for sometime.

Then Jessica Soho said something about the students and graduates of the University losing the fervor to serve the country. We, including herself, are missing the point of being called scholars of the land. Her implied premise was that even graduates of the state university are leaving the country to work abroad.

I do not contest the idea that we should all be responsible for the development of our nation. I do not deny the fact that we all need to do our part in making sure that the country progresses and moves forward. I do not think it is exclusive to UP students though. But that's beside the point.
What ticked me off is the presumed idea that every graduate of UP will be staying in the country to do his share to pay off his debt of gratitude for the college education.

i want what is good for my country. i want something better for myself...that way i can do my country something good.