ive been in a state of cold nostalgia for over a week now...biting me to the bone...gritting my veins...sometimes i wonder why the hell do i even bother? im very much aware of the futility of gloating over the past...ive actually believed myself to be the forward looking type...happy go lucky guy...
lately ive been stopping on my track a lot and always looking back on my life...sometimes laughing over photos taken then, smiling and trying to remember how i felt at that certain point in my life but mostly i have this bitter sensation...from where i cannot even begin to understand.
do i have that much regret in life or how i spent what is already over? im sure not. will i live it differently? probably some aspects but then again i will still contest that. perhaps it was too good and the fact that its over makes me pissed...a little too much?
maybe its the last reason...probably so. i just cant freakin let go of what i had. and this statement is so contradicting since i dont have it anymore so whats there to let go of? then again its not something material anyway. and so much to say yet i choose to blabber about semantics...
maybe i just need closure...that makes sense...
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Grasping Air
I miss my past. When everything was simple and happiness was easy. It changed when I started to define what joy was. I never understood that it's only real when you're in that moment only. It's when you laugh carelessly with friends, when you share sunrises with them. When conversations are random, yet judgement was non-existent.When you sing and they grab your microphone.
Then...you all age. They say with age comes wisdom. But I realize age blurs lines that matter. When we start to distinguish joy from real happiness, problems from the mundane, future and what we make of it. It's a sad realization that is inevitable, I guess.
Life is journey so they say. It's the ride that matters, not the destination.No used crying over spilled milk, or those that we actually drank. Still,it's gone. No taking it back. Like our lives that we shared with people. People that are now estranged. People who we'll be having superficial conversation from hereon. People we actually cherish and love.
At least we share memories. Nothing lasts forever anyway.Even friends. We keep what we have and move on. And know that in our hearts, we were all happy. To cling to the past would be riduculouos, maybe even disastrous for us.
But still, right now, at this very moment, with this extreme level of nostalgia, I want to be able to live like that again. Like nothing changed.
Though I know, it's only grasping air.
Then...you all age. They say with age comes wisdom. But I realize age blurs lines that matter. When we start to distinguish joy from real happiness, problems from the mundane, future and what we make of it. It's a sad realization that is inevitable, I guess.
Life is journey so they say. It's the ride that matters, not the destination.No used crying over spilled milk, or those that we actually drank. Still,it's gone. No taking it back. Like our lives that we shared with people. People that are now estranged. People who we'll be having superficial conversation from hereon. People we actually cherish and love.
At least we share memories. Nothing lasts forever anyway.Even friends. We keep what we have and move on. And know that in our hearts, we were all happy. To cling to the past would be riduculouos, maybe even disastrous for us.
But still, right now, at this very moment, with this extreme level of nostalgia, I want to be able to live like that again. Like nothing changed.
Though I know, it's only grasping air.
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