and it pains me...

it happened a while back, say a couple of months ago...i just found myself in a position where i wish i had acted in contrast to what i had actually done...

i had a colleague who was sacked a year ago. for what reason, i could only guess and that's already out of context here. i was a bit closer to her sister since i knew her and worked with her longer. a year or so after she left, i got a missed call on my phone. i called the number back and at first i did not even recognize or know who it was. she was back in singapore and was having trouble with her pass and she was getting frantic as she needed to exit the country for immigration purposes. she was asking for help financially.

i am not a rich person, but neither am i short on cash. for her to think of running to me must have been very difficult for her as we were not that close to each other. it could only be out of desperate need. i said i had nothing to spare.

thinking back, i couldnt help but feel bad about it. firstly, i was actually in a position to help, and i could help if only i really wanted to. secondly, i could only think of mundane excuses why i said no and that is i didnt know how she was gonna pay me and that it was so troublesome to meet up with her just to give her the money. my slow mind never thought of internet transfer and that it was actually not an issue. and lastly, i feel like ive already lost an integral part of myself morally when i put my convenience first before her need.

up to the present time, i still have this feeling of shame towards myself. i did try to call her sister 2 days after our initial contact. i was asking if it was still necessary for her to borrow money. she had already left for malaysia, probably short on cash and that my attempt to help was already unnecessary. though i feel like i tried to make it right, i know i still lost it when i refused to help right there and then when my colleague was actually in need, when it mattered.

i dont know what to make of this episode in my life. i mean, even tests put before you are only taken once. and i failed. and it still pains me...perhaps being aware of it now would help me make the right choice in the future if ever an opportunity presents itself and i find myself in the same position again...perhaps id have it right then...