smitten...

i'm just simply smitten...by you...i mean your photo...how is it even possible? i haven't met you yet...i know we've been exchanging thoughts for over a year now...on and off...you were quite clear that you are not into anything serious...i didn't think you were my type...

you were vivid on your criteria...you said "speak proper english, turn me on"... i thought you were too young, and still very idealistic...still had high expectations. but in reality, you already impressed me. at 22, and you already knew what you wanted...at least in people you'd like to deal with, that is. i took a chance...coz i knew i can speak proper if not superb english...alright, i spoke fairly well then...and you were kind...i only asked because i thought no one here actually did speak proper english, and so how can a local be asking for something that was endemically lacking? i was wrong. you had it in you. and it was only right to ask what one thinks is due.

time passed...i changed profile several times. forgot several people, even those that were intimate for awhile...you were only another profile in cyberspace who happen to be impressive with your vocab and grammar...and photos in sepia and black and white...photos that don't reveal much except for a well contoured jawline...yet you have always been there, in the corner of mind, when everything else is dull and uninteresting, i'd type your name...and pop a stupid question...and sometimes you'd reply...and we go on...

we continue trading stories...i learned from you about your planned trip to India...i said be safe and i'll probably meet you on Christmas when Santa delivers you over as my gift...you were there for over a month, and you were hardly online, which wasn't a bother, since it didnt make any difference at all...

then everything was dull and uninteresting again recently...so your name was typed again...and stupid questions came a flying...and as fate would have it, you respond...with a little bit more interest this time...or so i think...you say you still have a hangover for a fling you met in the subcontinent. maybe that's what happened...maybe you fell in love...and it somehow made you age a little...it's all good for me though...coz with it came a renewed enthusiasm about life...and chances...

you opened up...and said you were actually going to consider...i told you how amazing it would be...and you asked for a photo...good thing i've been through a number of failed attempts that another one wouldn't hurt...off the photo went,with a request for yours too...and you obliged. God it was gorgeous...piercing round eyes...thin lips...you made my heart skip a beat...i still find myself staring at it from time to time...

yes...i am smitten...and i don't even know your name.

and the well runs dry...i think

more than logic or reason, it's simply exhaustion. there are very few things in my life that i've decided to pursue. not my scholarly dreams, nor my premature infatuation, not a dream career or even a retirement plan. but a couple of months back, i've decided to pursue you.

it was not an educated decision, or a well thought-of action on my part. it was a gut feel; instinct. i just wanted to. so i did. inspite of my self, of a reputable degree, of a loving home, i decided to take a chance. coz i didnt think i got anything to lose.

in all my conscious existence, i never felt i lost as much of myself when i took a chance on you. i lost my self esteem, i degraded my self confidence and when i decided to go against my own reasoning, when i decided to take a leap of faith, i didnt think it'll actually cost me a big chunk of self respect. yes, all for you.

now, my engine's running low on gas. the adrenline is finally subsiding, im seeing things more clearly, more candidly. im beginning to accept reality. i can be more honest now. and i havent even started to argue yet. not against reason nor logic, it's not even worth it. i just run out of juice, and you simply got a bit too dull to be interesting. i think.

how does this go...

ok...so seriously...how does this go? i mean, when does one draw the line? when is enough really enough?

it's really my problem...i just don't know when to stop...i don't know how to stop...even if it means baring my soul in the open, subjecting my ego to ridicule and even pouring my heart out...it's definitely not a good thing...i now feel less than what i supposedly am...and it makes me question if it's even still worth it?

i don't have a huge ego...not the boastful braggart type, i actually think i'm on the meek and shy type...and this putting-it-all-out-in-the-open thing is not doing my self confidence any boost at all...before, i'd just say that it doesn't matter, that i just need to put it out of my system, less i implode...but now i feel naked, like nothing's left for myself...i feel like i've given it my all and yet it's still not enough...now i feel exhausted...

perhaps, just like the previous entry, i really am trying too hard...maybe it's high time to reevaluate my thoughts, my feelings, and my priorities...
it's really not like i've put myself second on the list...but i sure did include other people too...and i let it affect me...turned out to be very detrimental indeed...

perhaps, its time to start to let go of expectations...perhaps it's time to give up hope...and maybe it'd be good to move on...

so, really...how does this go?

and it continues

on a continuous spree of conscious wanting, i keep on my subtle attacks to be noticed. it's ridiculous. i've already accepted the fact that we have no chance and yet here i am, actually pounding on the keys for another entry.

this must be one of the things that make life beautiful; to be able to experience pleasure that's forbidden and yet trying for more. ah, the excitement of the chase and the bitterness of defeat...these are the colors that paint my existence to its exuberant glow...i can only wonder how long before i can kiss the lips of sweet success...lol

in my seemingly asinine state, i have mastered the art of putting people off...it's really hilarious how one's actions can actually produce such end results which are exactly the opposite of one's motives! recently, i have consistently excelled in appalling people i would have wanted to be dear with.

it's true. sometimes we say the wrong things at the wrong time to the wrong people...and we expect everything to be alright...now im learning again, that i can really be an intense person, with utter disregard for reason or logic, sometimes i just need to put my point across, without even realizing we might be speaking different languages.

now that i'm sobering down, i think i'm probably just trying too hard anyway.

i'm easy...too easy

everyday, we get to know a little bit more about ourselves. what happens though when the knowledge is something which we do not welcome? it maybe something we've been trying to deny, to hide, or to overcome. yet in one way or another, it seems to creep up on us and voila, stares us up straight in the face.

i've always denied that i was an easy fellow in more ways than i'd like to admit. i, like most people, always want to have the easy way, in work, in life, and i don't even wanna say it, yes, in love.

it's scary how easily i'm impressed nowadays. i've always thought i was one of the fastidious few, with high standards, not easily pleased. could it be because i'm nearing the big 30? i seem to get awe-inspired very easily recently. like get me someone who can construct a basic english sentence that is flawless in grammar and ill be near applauding the person right away. if the person actually makes sense with the statements he or she is making, then it'll be a standing ovation from me. and if the subject would in anyway be something dear, then im already swept away.

thus is my current state. give me a nice sincere smile, even if the teeth aint perfect, even if the make could be too thin, even if the place is too far, ill be there.

it's crazy how a meeting at dawn, after getting all boozed up earlier in the night, then getting the invite for a sleepover at 2 in the morning,could send me shivers before i sleep and a smile without reason that cant be helped. my busy dawns are now becoming unhealthy for me. well, they've always been unhealthy anyway.

i know its not meant to be. again im finding myself in a one way street, you just get that feeling, that conscious feeling that youre treading alone sometimes, when the silence gets too deafening, when the battery of the phone seems to diminish sooner because of constant checking of incoming messages when nothing actually arrives, when you actually start feeling low and used,of course with mutual consent hehehe...

so there, i've learned the promise of a one night stand...the funny thing is, i'm actually still hoping it could have a chance...lol