lacking...

a friend asked me recently how i was and what i was doing...meaning with mylife...i have such close,few and very chosen circles that we share something others may not be able to comprehend...we share an understanding.

what i do for a living is not something i am proud of...or something i will broadcast to the world...this may invite raised eyebrows from wherever...that's just me.

but what struck me with the query is the realization that i still lack purpose...my fingers were faster than my brain that night...they just typed...im a drifter dude...which in fact was true. it doesnt matter what im doing for a living, i lack a purpose for doing so.

ive already accomplished what i came here to do...im debt-free. my excess baggage is another story but...thats probably for a different post when the time is right.

how it just came out too naturally now bothers me...ive already accepted unconsciously that im just drifting away...im a log on a river...is that what i'm gonna be?

this is very scary indeed. pause...

im not getting it soon...

im not referring to any of my dreams or whatever it is i have always wanted all my life...im simply referring to the closure i was looking for...blame it on all the social networking sites ive registered myself into...

all the photos of old and now add the chat function where we are updated real time regarding each and evreyone's current state...

i wanted closure so i can start anew. may not be the noblest of reasons as i just want a blank slate to begin a new life...really. its not right as life is what you make of it and you are what you have allowed yourself to become because of your past.

still i want a clear slate. sue me.

there's a lot of things that came rushing back just when i was trying anew. so many realizations. the bite of nostalgia was so deep it could literally make me cry. how so much of the old me is still me and how much i wanted it to be otherwise and yet the futility of trying is so ethereal i can touch it. that is just plain sad.

i have just realized that for the longest time in my life...i have been fat. i still am. thanks to the photos in facebook...i finally accepted..i really am not getting any type of closures anytime soon.

if it means i wont also be able to start anew...is totally up to me, i guess.

good as a bad man...

ever doubted your own standard of morality? or spared a thought on how you react on things of mundane significance...to most of us? ever gauged you kindess level or apathy?

i was asked my line of thought last night...not that it bothered me...i just wasnt aware i was actually abiding by one. i asked if it was imperative that i had one...perhaps i do...i just dont know which or whose...pitiful for a philosophy major.

but what does create a tingle in my brain is my consciousness everytime i am faced with a random situation where kindess is put to test. it's always in the weirdest context i have to scratch my head in retrospect.

i remember the first time i had to give up my lunch for another person. well technically it wasn't lunch, it was around 4 in the morning, but it was my lunch break. i just had my first bite on my burger when a not so elderly woman tapped my shoulder and gestured that she wanted to have the rest of my food. i was stunned yet i gave it to her. she wasn't a beggar,she wasnt deranged, she was quite decent. immediately after letting go of my lunch, i asked myself what was the reason why i gave it to her. was i embarassed to refuse her? was i trying to keep face in front of my colleagues? did i feel compassion for her?

when i came here, i had 2 identical scenarios where 1 reacted differently. i smoke. and if you've been here, you're aware that smokers here are punished,with a very high cost for the vice. I was standing in one of the places where you are allowed to smoke when an old man came to me and asked for a cigarette. the refusal was automatic. probably a year or so after, the same thing happened. it was a different old man. this time, i even lit up the cigarette for him...with my lighter.

it has always been a thought worth pondering for me. i know i am not the most charitable person...yes i am selfish for crying out loud. i can go on justifying this sin and i will always be believing myself. but when i think about how i reacted a couple of times in my life,i wonder, what made me go against my usual reaction of just saying no?

i usually don't bother. indifferent to everything. to people.to myself. and now, it still amazes me...is it motives that make a moral man? cause i still cant figure out mine.

but i do remember the feeling after. it was nice...