the flea...

ever heard of the flea story? i heard it first back in college. the flea who lived at the back of the bunny. the bunny's hair being so soft and smooth, and comfortable. the point was will the flea climb the tip of the bunny's fur and see the world and what it has to offer. or stick to the silky smooth fur.

its a reflection of how we as humans tend to dwell in our coat of bunny. how we supposedly miss a lot of opportunities to discover the beauty of life because like the flea, we are afraid to leave our comfort zones. it's a story that made me decide to start anew and take my leap of faith. i refused to be the scared flea, i wanted to get my piece of the world.

what i discovered however was quite frustrating. i am still a flea. though i braved the uncertainty of the world outside my bunny, i found myself just looking for yet another bunny to cuddle in. i am again slapped with the harshness of reality. the futility of it all gets me down sometimes because i have yet to convince myself that i am actually going to get what i bargained for which is not much since i don't really think i had a lot to lose. i didn't think i had anything to lose.

then i saw my reflection off the window of the train. i didn't recognize who i saw. it was a different person, i was sure i didn't see me. i still looked the same, yet i wasn't the person i knew.

i am losing my smile.

it's one of the first few things i've noticed since i came here. the people of singapore have a lot to smile about, but they don't do so. not just the chinese nor the indians nor any other race living in this country. even the jolly filipino seems to be joining the fad of not smiling.

i have yet comprehend the point of it all. i was a happy flea. i was a happy brave flea. how can a seemingly better bunny take away my smile? was it all wrong to begin with? everything that i worked so hard for...my final jump from my comfort bunny. is life just teaching a lesson by letting me experience the futility of it all?

after all, i am still yet only a flea and i will always need a bunny

my lizards...

nope, this one is not a figure of speech. it's quite literal. i claimed ownership on a pair of lizards living on a body of water that i pass by everyday when i go to work. between 7-8 in the morning, on the side of the train facing the sun, i take my time looking for a pair of monitor lizards swimming across the lake in khatib.

i don't really own them, i didn't buy them from a pet store, i don't feed them. i really don't have anything to do with the lizards. i just happened to notice a break in the still waters of the lake one morning, and then saw it again the next day.

it has become a part of my everyday life here. i made it something that would help me get by. when i have no choice but to take a spot facing the other side, against the waters of the lake, i feel like my day didn't start right and that it would not end well. and whenever my lizards show their ripples in the water, i can't help but smile. i feel like they are greeting me, letting me know that even lizards can find their place here. i may not have completely settled in this country yet, but i know it'd come. after all, i have yet to receive my first pay.

everyday is still a struggle. i don't think i would ever be comfortable with all the shouting. i may really be just a gentle simpleton, not made for the high pitched high volume type of discourse. i manage to get by staying calm. thank god for the clean air here, and the birds...

it's just crazy, how an unconscious act of noticing a random ripple on the water on a fine day could make such profound realizations on life.

and everyday since then, i had to take the same place in the train, the one that most people here avoid, the one facing the sun, so i can always see the break in the still waters of khatib reservoir...

what???

second day at work...got a more open approach on things...was more than willing to learn the trade...was very enthusiastic on all matters concerning work...i was everything i wanted to be today...despite everything, i did what i had to do...

and when i got home...my nose bled!

i don't understand what it means. i try to cope, i am adapting...i started to work from 830 am, i left the office at 9pm...we don't have coffee breaks, they may even want lunch to be cut to half an hour...i degrade my communication skills, i put up with ludicrous grammar, i am even forced to cut my smoking...just to get by, i'm losing my sense of self...even if this is the price, i'm still willing to pay...

i do not understand why...

i just know that today, my nose bled...

let me...

i will whine...i am already whining...there's a lot of things to whine about...i'm angry...it's not healthy i know, but what the heck, it's a lot to keep in. i do not want to implode.

i started with my job earlier today. it wasn't anything i expected. it was actually everything i dreaded. i didn't get any product orientation. i didn't get any system training. i wasn't introduced to colleagues. i was mocked. i was challenged. i was...i think i am again being pushed around. i wanted to give up. i honestly want to just go home and stay there. where everyone smiles, where life's a breeze, where my heart is.

but i won't. i will stay. i will let life test me. i will learn my limits. i will keep going even if it hurts more. even if i lose face everyday. even if i want to give up every minute, every time i fail life's test, even if i start to question the worth of it all. i have made goals. everything that happens now is just another step to achieving the simple targets.

i'm boiling inside. i feel exhausted. so i know you'll understand if you'll see a lot of this emotion in the near future. we may not have the same position in my current situation. but since this is my world, what the fuck. i'll keep on whining...i don't care if you won't let me...

bad...

i'm starting tomorrow with my new job. i'm excited about it even though i still have qualms about taking it. i am in a rush to start working since i am not really comfortable on being a dependent person. I must really be egoistic and I pay a price for it.

i don't have peace on the job that i took. i just have 2 issues namely; 1st long working hours, 2nd salary. it's just whining, what i'm doing right now, but hey, i want to whine so sue me.

i agreed to take the job because i need income. i agreed to the terms because i was desperate. now that everything is ready, i dread tomorrow. but i'm going. i'm going because i'm still desperate and i still need an income. nothing's going to change that. now i do not expect a long stint with this company, but i figured since it's a start for me here, no matter how seemingly unfair and unjust it is, i might as well set a goal for myself.

here goes. i left my country with some debt. i did not run away from them, i'm still paying online. now, no matter how bad my start is here in Singapore, i might as well make sure something good is going to come out of it. i plan to stay with this company for at least 6 months, that is if they didn't boot me out first. while i'm at it with them, i will make sure i am able to zero out my debt back home. now that's another reason to go on. despite everything that is so wrong with the agreement.

i'm feeling so low right now, like a person who just got robbed right in his face. i'm very vulnerable. but i have to keep sight of the good things. i have work. i will be able to finance my stay here. i won't be dependent anymore. i will have income. and i will be able to pay off my debt.

i just have to keep reminding myself of these things, otherwise i won't be a happy employee. darn it, is there a person who is such? a happy employee? nah...

pay off debt. got work. no longer dependent. pay off debt. got work...and it goes on...

worth...

how much are you really worth? i got my work pass yesterday. it seems like i am really worth more than what i think of myself. i begged to be considered for a minimum paying job, one that pays 1800 sgd. that's what companies pay for s pass holders. that's what they should pay, according to the Ministry of Manpower. that's what i am getting paid, the answer to my prayers.

now, the pass i was approved for was worth more. i got an employment pass. minimum salary is supposed to be 2500 sgd. when i applied for the position, i only asked for 2200 sgd. the hiring manager was clear that the asking price was too much. she gave me all these explanations on how we can work things out so i can be given the minimum of 1800, ergo the long work hours. now lo and behold, i was actually worth more than my asking price.

dilemma that haunts me at the moment is what's going to happen next? i havent started working yet, but now that the company knows i was given an epass instead of an spass, i am afraid that they can withdraw their sponsorship they gave me. i was advised not to worry on it, they won't do that. but, if so, if i am really to be hired, isn't it logical they just give me what im worth? 2500.

it is a 700 sgd difference and in this country...well, anywhere else as far as i am concerned, that's a lot of money and it can pay a lot of my debt. i needed yet again to get this out of my system because i have to move on. i'm very grateful that a company took a chance on a foreigner like me. as i said, it was an answered prayer to be hired and to actually hold a pass here.

it just tickles my ego to know that i am actually worth more. at the moment, that really is not my most urgent concern. i'm very happy that i'll be starting soon. if i were given the minimum for an epass holder, its definitely like winning the lottery. its a big thing since i really do not have any luck on that kind of thing. perhaps, it's asking for too much. but then again, it is their government who decides that.

i wish they take heed. ok, that's pushing it...

bamboo...

i have to get this out of my system, if i want it to leave me alone. i've been haunted by the thought that i've been bending some of my principles to cope with living abroad. when i first got here, i was repulsed by the idea that my sister's house mates had to render extra time at work, just to prove they are worth keeping. my stand was if they signed something stating that they had to work from 9-6, they should be out of the office by 6. it was just logical...and fair.

when i got one of the 2 calls for an interview, i was slapped with the long hours. the post i was considered for only offered so much money. apparently, according to their government, i was worth more. now for the company to be able to hire me, they had to give more than what the post is worth, and for them to be able to do so, i had to render extra time. four hours...daily. so that's working from 9 am to 10 pm. didn't sound fair. very illogical. wasn't right.

i didn't take the job on the spot. the set up was like legalizing everything that i was against. i wasn't one to slave for money. i wasn't one to be pushed around. i wasn't...

i wasn't a lot of things. but i am someone who is willing to learn, someone who is open to changes, i crave growth. so instead of whining about the long hours i will have to endure everyday once i start working, i am trying to adopt a new perspective on things. i am anchoring on my real goal when i decided to fly over. i now have a job. and at the moment, that's all that matters.