full circle...

and i find myself yet again in the same spot where i started...doing what what i'd rather not...repeating what i dread...

they say its funny how life plays its jokes and yet in hindsight,when we realize the joke's on us, it doesnt even warrant a grin...i hate how i make myself believe in something, change my view, try to justify my shift and then find myself believing the same thing that i so rationally debated. its silly that i even try.

perhaps the joy of the idea is its selling point...that i in my most conservative self still fall for it over and over. the hope that something meaningful is still out there keeps me going. My sister said a line last week that stuck on me...she said that "hope is what makes the world go round" and i tried to correct her saying "love" should be the word. she held ground and i found myself in accordance to her point. when hope is gone in this world, how gloomy it shall be. i saw an instance in this documentary where the journalist scoured the farthest reaches of the country trying to raise awareness on the current plight of the Filipino in the country. she went to this province and asked one man what he would want the next president to do for them. the answer of the man sent shivers and almost brought tears to my eyes. he said he didnt want anything from the government cause everything was already hopeless. the utter lack of the virtue of hope is so sad i had to stop and stare at the screen, wondering how was it possible that this human attribute of hoping for something better be somewhat lost. my sister's flame of hope keeps burning for my family. it humbles me everytime i am reminded of how much she has sacrificed for us and yet whenever she sees a glimmer of hope, a slight chance that things can still be better, she would not hesitate to give even if it was the last bit she kept for herself.

i may not share the same intensity as my sister when it comes to hoping, yet i still believe somehow. still have a tinder, a wick that burns. because no matter how hard i try to deny and forsake the idea, deep inside i still sincerely hope that it's going to be better.

its just like when i started, how bad can it get? when things cannot get any worse, it means it can only get better, right?

the price of joy...

so am i just the biggest dumbass? not knowing what i want in life or not accepting what it is or even probably denying myself joy as it should be? what is the price of happiness? what does it mean to be happy?

the epicurean/hedonist doesnt know what pleasure is. what nonsense. what irony. yet finding oneself in the dark grasping your way around is hardly a joke. no one's surely laughing. for when in the dark, the first thing we try to find is a flashlight or a match to light our way. or we just keep crawling and feeling our way around. till we get our bearing. til we're comfortable.

and comfort comes with familiarity. if its something we know, we get at ease. yet what happens if what we know is something we try to avoid. for what purpose, it does not count. we just try to conform. make everyone happy. except ourselves. and maybe it doesnt matter. especially if we dont know what happiness is.

so...will you pay the price of joy...?