ever doubted your own standard of morality? or spared a thought on how you react on things of mundane significance...to most of us? ever gauged you kindess level or apathy?
i was asked my line of thought last night...not that it bothered me...i just wasnt aware i was actually abiding by one. i asked if it was imperative that i had one...perhaps i do...i just dont know which or whose...pitiful for a philosophy major.
but what does create a tingle in my brain is my consciousness everytime i am faced with a random situation where kindess is put to test. it's always in the weirdest context i have to scratch my head in retrospect.
i remember the first time i had to give up my lunch for another person. well technically it wasn't lunch, it was around 4 in the morning, but it was my lunch break. i just had my first bite on my burger when a not so elderly woman tapped my shoulder and gestured that she wanted to have the rest of my food. i was stunned yet i gave it to her. she wasn't a beggar,she wasnt deranged, she was quite decent. immediately after letting go of my lunch, i asked myself what was the reason why i gave it to her. was i embarassed to refuse her? was i trying to keep face in front of my colleagues? did i feel compassion for her?
when i came here, i had 2 identical scenarios where 1 reacted differently. i smoke. and if you've been here, you're aware that smokers here are punished,with a very high cost for the vice. I was standing in one of the places where you are allowed to smoke when an old man came to me and asked for a cigarette. the refusal was automatic. probably a year or so after, the same thing happened. it was a different old man. this time, i even lit up the cigarette for him...with my lighter.
it has always been a thought worth pondering for me. i know i am not the most charitable person...yes i am selfish for crying out loud. i can go on justifying this sin and i will always be believing myself. but when i think about how i reacted a couple of times in my life,i wonder, what made me go against my usual reaction of just saying no?
i usually don't bother. indifferent to everything. to people.to myself. and now, it still amazes me...is it motives that make a moral man? cause i still cant figure out mine.
but i do remember the feeling after. it was nice...
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