life's games

to dwell on life's challenges can really be a drag. especially if the odds are against us. i was ready to back off, pack my luggage, and basically just throw in the towel. hasn't really been that easy for me here anyway. my month in the lion city was good, but not particularly rewarding personally for myself. i mean, i am here as a tourist but not quite so in motive. plan was to find a job and move on. being self supporting since graduation, the thought of not even being able to buy my pack of cigarette is really not easy to bear. although it's all ego on the lose, that's basically all that i have.

so a couple of days ago was the lowest so far. was waiting for a call, to confirm a meeting, basically to set things in motion, so I'll be able to start supporting my stay here. so i can move on. call never came. i made myself busy, to cope. i did the laundry, ironed clothes, cleaned the room. creating lines to tell my sister while in the process. i was ready with my rebuttals in case she insisted i stayed. my spirit was just crushed. i was just ready to give up.

and as life would once again have it, playing with my emotions, pushing me further, reiterating that it's still in charge, that i am just a pawn, my phone rang. got my call. wheel's set in motion. hope's flared anew.

every time i reflect on my decision of leaving everything behind and moving here to start anew, i find no doubt about it. somehow, i have peace. everything just worked out so smoothly. it scares me sometimes, the seemingly perfect process of relocating. still got doubts though. nothing is guaranteed after all. but what happened last Friday is something i will always hold on to. somehow, when all else is lost, life itself will give you a nudge. it gave me back my faith in life's games. I'm not giving up. I'll keep on playing. till the games are over

sad...

i saw something i wasn't supposed to see earlier. got access to my mother's email account. i saw she got one from my sister.

i know i shouldn't be snooping around my mother's inbox, but that's already beside the point. my sister is breaking down. with everything that has come upon my family, i understand it's just about time she jolted. it's been a long time coming. she has been carrying the burden for a couple of years now. with literally no help from anyone... including me.

now instead of being able to throw in a helping hand, or offer a kind of respite to her, i'm here...totally useless to anyone in my family including myself. and it saddens me...

i just don't know what else could i do.

anxiety attack

i've got this uneasy feeling at the pit of my stomach...i do not understand...maybe i'm worrying too much, about how everything is turning out for me here. perhaps it's the uncertainty of everything that's happening in my life. i'm creating my own ghosts to fear, i think i'm starting to get scared.

i should block it off. i will not entertain negative thoughts. i've got to put up my defenses, my walls. i know i did the right thing, otherwise it wouldn't have been so smooth. i know i'm right where i should be, or else i wouldn't be here. and yet here i am.

patience, my child. patience.

now going back to my tummy, hmmm. i really should heed nature's call.

fear...

are we aware of our fears? i was recently told that the chinese are a very superstitious people. there are rumours of closing down train stations because of ghosts. and then there's sound the falling marbles heard in HDB units. although the phenomenon was explained as pointing to some uniform design HDB buildings followed, and the non-operation of the train station as a business no-no, these still make a good prelude to my rumination.

i am not afraid of ghosts. neither am i scared of snakes. heights and tight spaces make me uncomfortable, but alas, they do not scare me. my greatest fear... is to end up like the person very dear to me.

my father retired when i was only around 5 or 6 years old. i am not aware of the real reason behind his decision but i never felt like he was able to move forward from there. he was not even 40 then. sure, he handled several businesses, took other jobs and he also went to other places. but in everything he did, i never saw passion. he never gave his heart in his endeavors. i doubt if he was ever happy.

i am not trying to disgrace my father, nor am i justifying whatever ill feelings i have for him. i am not a perfect son, but i try my best. i haven't seen that from my pop. i've never seen him try. eversince i can remember, it was already my mother who was slaving for the family to keep the standard life we are used to. sure she made mistakes...a lot of them. we no longer own the house we grew up in, she is in more debt that i could only guess how many creditors she is currently trying to evade. but hey, we were never hungry. my father, on the other hand, never seemed to make any decisions of his own. he always went by what other people said; he either agreed or opposed to my mother's ideas, but he never really came up with his own. and he is always angry. he gets ticked off by the littlest things, he can get unappreciative of other people's efforts and he gives off that impression that he has to be pleased.

i obviously have a lot of issues here. still, i want to be clear. i love my father. he is sweet, he is eager to please other people sometimes especially me. he cooks the best food when he cooks for me and my sister. i just hate what had becomeof such a brilliant mind and a good heart. he has the tendency to dwell in the past. he could have just faced it then and moved on. he could have gone a long way. but he didnt. he still whines about it.

how sad my father's life must be, but to blame others is unacceptable. im just so scared i'd end up like him.

hope's fading

been here for barely a month but it feels like i've stayed here for a millenia! got here on the 19th of april with a very simple plan; land a job, start working then all will be a breeze. i prepared myself psychologically, or so i thought, about the waiting game. i knew it wasn't going to be easy to land a job. i knew i needed to wait for quite a while for a decent offer to come. i am no pushover when it comes to track record and credentials after all. so i figured, it's gonna come...soon.

so why am i feeling so low? i feel so darn low it hurts. i never believed my simple plan was fool proof, i knew it wasnt perfect. it was too simple. but i never knew it was going to hurt this bad. i never intended for my plan to go against me! why does it have to be so difficult? i only want a job. and then move on.

i havent gotten any offers yet. i havent gotten any freaking invitiation for an interview for crying out loud! so what now? i am reduced to nothing more than a bum, waiting for time to pass by. holy cow! that's what i am anyway, a bum.