fear...

are we aware of our fears? i was recently told that the chinese are a very superstitious people. there are rumours of closing down train stations because of ghosts. and then there's sound the falling marbles heard in HDB units. although the phenomenon was explained as pointing to some uniform design HDB buildings followed, and the non-operation of the train station as a business no-no, these still make a good prelude to my rumination.

i am not afraid of ghosts. neither am i scared of snakes. heights and tight spaces make me uncomfortable, but alas, they do not scare me. my greatest fear... is to end up like the person very dear to me.

my father retired when i was only around 5 or 6 years old. i am not aware of the real reason behind his decision but i never felt like he was able to move forward from there. he was not even 40 then. sure, he handled several businesses, took other jobs and he also went to other places. but in everything he did, i never saw passion. he never gave his heart in his endeavors. i doubt if he was ever happy.

i am not trying to disgrace my father, nor am i justifying whatever ill feelings i have for him. i am not a perfect son, but i try my best. i haven't seen that from my pop. i've never seen him try. eversince i can remember, it was already my mother who was slaving for the family to keep the standard life we are used to. sure she made mistakes...a lot of them. we no longer own the house we grew up in, she is in more debt that i could only guess how many creditors she is currently trying to evade. but hey, we were never hungry. my father, on the other hand, never seemed to make any decisions of his own. he always went by what other people said; he either agreed or opposed to my mother's ideas, but he never really came up with his own. and he is always angry. he gets ticked off by the littlest things, he can get unappreciative of other people's efforts and he gives off that impression that he has to be pleased.

i obviously have a lot of issues here. still, i want to be clear. i love my father. he is sweet, he is eager to please other people sometimes especially me. he cooks the best food when he cooks for me and my sister. i just hate what had becomeof such a brilliant mind and a good heart. he has the tendency to dwell in the past. he could have just faced it then and moved on. he could have gone a long way. but he didnt. he still whines about it.

how sad my father's life must be, but to blame others is unacceptable. im just so scared i'd end up like him.