pressure at 25?

i just turned 25 yesterday. im jobless. im a foreigner in singapore. i just arrived a week ago. i have 60 sgd in my wallet. i am not expecting any money to be sent from the philippines or anywhere else. i smoke. i have not really made up my mind about quitting yet.

with these things being my primary concern at present, my best friend, currently working in Saudi, working on his annulment in the philippines, dropped a question through YM "at your age, aren't you pressured to have a girlfriend?"

my fingers froze.

why? should? i? be? pressured? i didnt have time to retaliate, he gave me a disclaimer not to take offense before dropping the bomb. i said no. i am not pressured. just a little background: i've only had 2 relationships in my life. the last one ended when i was 19. so it's getting people worried. it worries me too sometimes. but going back, should i actually be pressured to have a girlfriend jusy because i turned a year older? i just explained that i recently took a chance at cupid's love potion but unfortunately, it didnt have the right mix.

point is, should i compromise my standards, should i force myself, should i keep playing around?

what for? to keep appearances? to dispel doubts? to satisfy norms?

ive got loads of stuff on my mind. i dont know where to get my next payment for my loan. i dont know what'll happen come the day my pass expires. i dont know how i'd be able to buy cigarettes next week.

so, am i pressured at 25? fuck...im as young as i will always want to be. to hell with society's dirty, negative and evil norms.

i will not compromise love!

So What Now?

Now what? A year...that's how long it took for you to carry out a plan that was made 2 years ago. Back in 2006 you agreed to move to a foreign land to earn more money. In 2007, you decided to move to a different site so you could "detach" yourself fromyour colleagues whom you started to form friendships with. It's now 2008. You are now in a foreign land. You have yet to land a job to earn more money but in retrospect, everything turned up well. You are where you wanted to be, 2 years ago.

Is it just the fact that you are still jobless that infuriates you? The fact that for quite some time now, well since april 19, you have been depending on your sister? The reality that without her, you would not know what to do?

Perhaps.

But I know I still have it easy and I'm very grateful. Spitting on my ego really doesn't compare to what others had to go through. I had to delay my flight to Singapore for 2 years because I wasn't willing to let the ego land. I was scared. I still am.

But I had to take the plunge. I wanted to. Convincing myself wasn't hard. I needed a change. And now that I gave up the comforts the ego provided, starting from scratch is just one consequence. I have been reduced. It bothers me, but I couldn't care less cause the wheels are in motion.

I set them.

Drop the Doubt

There is definitely comfort in delay;
Procrastinating the uncertain;

Lingering a little longer in the comforts of monotony.





There comes a time, however, to set the wheels in motion.

The familiar is good, but in time,it gets stale.

And either boredom or necessity awakes the spirit,

We only have to heed the call.


It gets very strange that we even try to hesitate

And doubt and then try to deny the inevitable

Nothing but fear is to blame.

It's far from pleasant, yet it's real.





Movement. Growth. Or just change.

Simple words that are both meaningful and mundane.

Would not require much thought to comprehend.

Yet to understand its essence, one has to fully embrace;

Accept that there is motion involved.

For if one does not, they remain to be as they are:

Just words... And empty.


...02/02/08...