*a fiction*
You were supposed to meet him today, after he put off your rendezvous last weekend. This is not the first time that he stood you up. He has been doing it for ages as far as you are concerned and as long as you can remember.
You only met Omar last year. You thought there was something special in his eyes and you immediately fell for his sweet mischievous grin. What you didn't know was that you were beautiful too. You could have any guy you wanted if you allowed yourself the chance. You were promised the world before, including the stars and everything you could wish for if every single one of them fell. But you were young and had your heart broken. You went through your life avoiding romance, casual lays doing the trick and getting you through. Until you met him. He seemed to know your weak points. You said he simply knew which buttons to push and you suddenly realized that you could not manage without him. You said you were in love.
You could not help but smile now.You wonder how was it possible. All those years you've been cautious, making sure that you did not end up at the same situation as before, where you could not eat, sleep and function properly. And yet here you are now, questioning the soundness of your judgment, not so much about the man you love but about yourself as a judge of character and as a person who almost always gets it wrong.
You stared quietly out the window and tried to think about all the times he broke your heart. All those times that you ignored the little voice inside your head telling you how things really are, but you would still believe otherwise. You have this picture perfect image in your mind about how you want things to be, how they are supposed to be yet because of "unforeseen" circumstances, they are not. Kind as you are, you believe that there is always something good in a person and you always magnify the positive and tend to forget that the negative exists too. Omar always deserved the benefit of doubt. What if his sister was really in town? Or that his client called just moments before you were to meet? That's why he had to cancel.And what if his mother really died?
You do not understand how deep you were into this guy. A lot of things about him are unknown to you. It suddenly dawned on you that you didn't just bed a stranger, which was nothing new, you gave your heart away to someone you didn't know at all.
Remember the time he was moving house? You were so eager to see him that you offered to help him move. He declined saying he was only bringing his clothes and that he was going to meet you after he settled in. You were playing images on your mind about the move, how you were going to help him carry piles of hangers and bags of clothes. Then you'll be getting refreshments for both of you to cool off. Turned out he needed the whole day until late at night to move in even with a battalion of movers. You thought that it was an awfully lot of striped T-shirts that needed to be moved.
How about the time you almost went to the airport after learning he was overseas? Weren't you always contemplating on a Buddhist pilgrimage in Nepal? You never got invited did you? But you received a promise to meet up once he returned home. Of course he had to attend to office matters first. It took a really long time to clear the office matters right? Now he has already taken a new job.
Then there was the fasting month. You patiently waited for it to end as there was a holiday for that. You thought he would take a break since his job was so hectic. You hoped you'd get a chance to share at least a meal together. But his mother recently passed away that year and it was the first time he was celebrating the holiday without her. He couldn't bear the thought of spending it alone. All the more reason for him to spend holiday with someone, you thought, but still he didn't spend it with you.
Before he moved in to his brother's place, wasn't he staying alone in the east side? There's a funny story when you were on the way to the beach in the east and you needed to heed nature's call. His place was along the way and you asked to drop by to use the toilet. You must have crossed your usual lines on decency. You knew he was home but he wouldn't answer your calls. You almost shit your pants.
Christmas and New Year came without incident. You were excited to do some shopping with him but as expected you had to do it alone. It's probably high time to give up on the gift you bought for him unless you want to wait for the next Christmas season when you already wasted one with the hope of him coming around.
Do you realize that in all these crap he has subjected you to, you have always been the one to apologize? With all the broken promises, you were steadfast? All these times, all he did was match your devotion with his lies. You are a simple soul. You only wanted to see him again. Plain and simple indeed. And you do everything right. You let him decide where to meet you. You agree on the time he sets. And you reconfirm the meeting. But as fate will have it, a very important call will come, right when you are on the way to meet him. He needs to fix a presentation for his client. It is raining and it will kill him if he gets wet that's why he has to cancel.
And the best part of it is that it becomes your fault. For not understanding that he is busy. He does not have a lot of time like you do. He doesn't need you to add to his pressures. Now he does not wish to argue with you.You have suddenly become the villain. You are in the wrong. All these because you wanted to see him badly. Of course you do not get an apology. You never receive any apology at all, ever. You get a threat instead. "It's your call" he says.
You know it is your call indeed. You have always known. But being the person that you are, you believe that he is always worth another blow to your ego. For him, you would take another slap on your face. You would always give another piece of your heart for him to break.
I always wonder why you still bother, when I am here all along. I have been here all along. For everything he has put you through, I suffered twice your pain. Everytime you gave him another chance, that's another chance I missed. Everytime you decide it's worth another try with him, that's one more chance I don't get. If only I had me like you do. Omar is right, it's your call.
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