cracking up

"Circumstances does not make the man, it reveals him to himself," wrote James Allen. Everyday I am finding myself under circumstances that are not too favorable for me. To think that it is really my own doing, the product of my train of thoughts, manifested in the formation of habits and ultimately resulted in unfavorable circumstances, does not make it any better. Although the thought that I am not totally hopeless seems to be uplifting. I am what I think, so I believe is the point of the book.

We cannot change our circumstances. So true. Yet we can change our thoughts. And the realization that these circumstances are revelations of what we truly are now scares me. I used to think I'm a person who gets by with taking crap from other people. I do it for a living, customer service line, seven years. Try to stay in this line for half a year and you'll understand that it can be hell, like a war-zone Yet I thrived. I'm not overtly proud of what I do. Yet I am secretly feeding my ego with the belief that I am good at what I do. To be cracking now is so passe. So we have good days and bad. Sure we're still human and we each have our thresholds. Sure we got our own ways to cope and probably sometimes, we just can't help but snap. It sure is not a good enough reason at all. It's a job, after all.

But what I'm now questioning is not the act of giving in to emotional outbursts that unfortunately come hand in hand with the job. Now I'm questioning the fact that I'm doing this job at all. If what I previously believed to be true, that is that I was good at this is now questionable even to the only person who actually believes this, that is me, I think it is time to question if it is still worth it. One reason some people actually put up with this is their belief in the idea that they are actually good at what they do and if that belief is shattered, then it becomes exactly what it is which is really just another  crappy job conveniently there to pay bills and help them get by till the next pay day. It is true. I would not broadcast what I do to the world. But I take pride in the idea that I'm actually good at it. Now I'm in doubt. And that's when it starts to be dangerous. For a person who craves stability and security, it's very discomforting to find oneself in such a predicament.

And there's still the saying that it comes in three's, so anxiety level is on a high. I know it's not right to be wallowing in selfish thoughts about the possibilities that may happen with the temporary loss of cool and snapping of threads, when the Japanese people are suffering over the the natural catastrophe, the earthquake and tsunami. But when I am presented with paths that may possibly determine my mission or my legend, forgive me but I'd like to take time and consider.